Wow, I'm rather neglectful of this... whoopsie. :3

So... news.

oob #1: Bryant. Well, we split up... it was very nice... until I found out that he totally lied to me and screwed me over... and I don't think I want the world to know, so more on that later... but I still hurt and I still feel really stupid and it sucks. We split up at band camp... so yeah.

oob #2: Homecoming. Not sure if I'ma go... at least, not 100%. If I'm asked, then of course I'll go. I have a dress that I'd wear, but still. I'd like to have a date... and I'd like to be asked, but whatever. What happens happens. :)

oob #3: School. It starts in about... 5 days, and I'm not sure if I'm excited or not. Part of me is nervous for the first day and all that, but I'm also looking forward to the fresh start and not being the youngest in the fricking school. :3 I'm looking forward to Block, even though I don't know much about it. At least I'll be with friends. :) And band, too, I'm excited for that.

oob #4: Eagle Band. OMG. I can't believe that it's almost our first competition! Last week was Hell Week, and from Monday-Wednesday we had practice from 9 in the morning to 5 in the evening. It wasn't... horrific, but it was very tiring. And then we went to the State Fair, which wasn't actually bad. It was quite fun. :) We got to mess around a bit before playing, and it was fun.

oob #5: Cell phone!! I got one! I'm so excited! My parents told me that I'd changed a lot and grown up and worked really hard and I deserved it. That meant a lot to me, and I'm so glad I finally got one... with unlimited text... 952.649.9744

oob #6: Music! I'm newly addicted to Owl City... their new CD, Ocean Eyes, is the best. It's inspired me to write so many new pieces, it's insane. I love it. :) And Jack's Mannequin's The Glass Passenger is brilliant as well. :3

So... yeah, that's all I can think of for now... a lot has been going on, and hopefully I can get back into the habit of writing this, it's quite good therapy. XD

Love,
Lauren. ♥

P.S. Tough times don't last... tough people do.

P.P.S. This has been a good summer. I've learned so much, and a lot has changed. :)

P.P.P.S. I'm also addicted to Phantom Of The Opera. Watch it, read it, love it!! It's amazing!!

Forever & A Day... ♥

OMGiggles. An update.
*shock and disbelief*

1st oob. Bryant.
Oh. My. God. I love that kid so much... he's such a sweetie, and he really cares. It's so nice to finally have someone like him in my life. I mean, really... it's so different from all of the other guys I've dated, and I've really fallen in love with him. =]

2nd oob. Yearbooks.
We got our yearbooks last week, and mine's already almost filled with amazing things that my friends have said. lulz. I'm getting one every year 'cause I want documentation of all my high school career, I'm such a nerd. =P

3rd oob. School.
Is almost over, thank GOD. I mean REALLY. I'm so distracted (as you can tell, I'm writing to you), and it's going to feel so good to have all the stresses of schoolwork and shit off of my chest. I tried out for Wind Ensemble a couple of weeks ago, and I still haven't gotten the letter, and it's kind of pissing me off. It's like, POST A FREAKING LIST ALREADY DAMMIT. *rant, rave, snort* However, the Eagle Band list was posted- I'M IN. :D I'm so excited for band camp, I might just explode!!

4th oob. Summer.
Oh, yeah, summer... the joyous time of year where there's no teachers, homework, you can sit back, relax- oh, wait. Not me this year. I've got Birchwood like 5 days after school gets out, then, the day after I get back Eagle Band rehersals begin... which I'm kind of pumped for, but a little anxious-I mean, I won't have played my flute in a MONTH. D: Bahh.

5th oob. My abundant ingelligence.
It's really quite abundant... need I say more?

6th oob. I hate the world and all who inhabit it... a lot of my friends are really starting to annoy me; they won't ever leave me alone. Like seriously, I can't even get 5 minutes alone with ANYBODY. And I like never get to see Bryant, so it's doubly annoying. *strangle*

7th oob. Bryant's birthday. Sunday. Shiz. Dunno what I'm going to do yet, but I'm hoping that I can just spend the day with him or something- that's all I really want to do before I leave, too... *sigh*

8th oob. An epic weekend.
This last weekend was probably one of the best weekends I've had in a while- Laura and I got together on Friday and watched the Oceans movies, and it was sexy. On Saturday, we got together with her boyfriend, Alex, and Brian K at Starring Lake and hung out there. Surprisingly, my parents let me stay with her and then sleep over at her house- it was so great, we watched a million episodes of Psych and I am now officially hooked on that show. [I AM A FAN OF DELICIOUS FLAVOR!] We tried watching Twilight with her mom, but the DVD player died... lol. It was so nice to be able to just hang out again... and her mom makes amazing pancakes.

So... that's all for now, I'm sure there's more that I'm not thinking of, but whatevah. :3

Love,
Lauren.

P.S. Look 10 years into your future... who do you see yourself waking up next to?

Reflection?

It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess...

I like this song... it's a new addiction for me. It's Pinch Me by the Barenaked Ladies.

I could hide out under there
I just made you say "underwear"

Haha. Best line ever.

Anyway. So Bryant and I are doing really well, and I don't think I've ever been happier with any guy that I've ever dated. :] I know, I know, I've probably said that about every guy... but I mean it wholeheartedly this time... like, it's just... different. But in a really nice way. Like, he makes me really want to be a better person... and it's going to sound weird, but I consider him one of my angels. And I'm trying as hard as I can to not get totally wrapped up in him and lose my friends, because they're important, too. And school, as well. I need to keep my mind in class, and sometimes it can prove to be a... bit challenging. Especially in math class. God. But yeah... life is improving. And it's taking work, but it is getting better.

And God is really helping me, too. I know that I haven't exactly been a "role model" as a Christian, but I'm trying to get stronger in my faith, too. I want to get closer to God, and I also want to show Bryant what it's like to have a strong faith. I know that he's cool with me being for God and everything, but I want him to get to know Jesus. But I'm not going to make him. I'm just going to be there for anything and everything. I don't want to make him uncomfortable with anything, and I'm certainly not going to force what I believe in on him.

Wow, that's a rather heavy load... but I'll stop there. :]

Love,
Lauren. ♥

P.S. "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness."
-Proverbs 31: 25-26

Ughh.

So like everyone in the fricking school is sick.

And now I'm one of them. :(

So yesterday, I made it through the school day (barely), and when I got home I like collapsed on my bed. I fought with my parents 'cause they didn't believe that I was really sick, but when they took my temperature and saw it was like 100*, then they let me stay home. I felt really bad about skipping out on church, but I didn't want to get anyone else sick. And I'd much rather go than have to stay home 'cause I feel like crap. *sigh* But I ended up sleeping for like ever... I got up at about 9-something to eat, then went right back to bed. :)

I slept pretty damn well, too. Which is really good, 'cause I want to get better so I can get back to school and stuff. And I HATE feeling sick. :(

Laura was feeling crummy too, and Bryant's sick with the flu. I feel pretty awful about that... but if we're all sick at the same time, then hopefully we won't be sick again. :)

I'm just really glad that I'm feeling better right now. I mean, even this morning, I was feeling pretty awful. But now, I can at least sit up & such... and I think my parents are making me go to the doctor's, too... but not like the physical doctor. Phycologist. Guh.

YEE! MARCIE & PHILIP PLAN TO GO TO SELGAE'S TOGETHER!! They're so cute! Laura & I want them to date. :3 Hopefully Marcie can go... that would really suck if she couldn't. :(

...I can't believe that like 5 days after school gets out I'm going to camp for a month... I've never been away from home that long, but I don't think that it'll be my parents that I miss a huge amount... my friends will be on my mind more, I think... but I'ma make them write to me. XD

Well, that's all for now.

Love,
Lauren. ♥

P.S. "You" will be the answer whenever someone asks me what's on my mind. :)

If Everyone Cared

My God. I am probably one of the luckiest girls on the entire planet.

Seriously.

Okay. I'll start with zero hour.

So I get there and I find Ian, a friend of Laura's... and I'm like "I know you! You're Laura's friend- Ian, right?" and he's like "yeah" and I say "I'm Lauren. I'm a good friend of hers. I'm kind of a creeper, but that's okay." And he laughed and walked away. It was hilarious. But yeah. So Bryant, Laura, Andrea, Lucy, people, and I were all hanging out like we usually do, and it was great. Bryant & I were sitting close, and it was really nice to have him just be there. And then he held my hand and I was like ♥. He's such a great kid.

So my schedule was fucked up (yet again), and so I went to the wrong classes. :[ But today, I found out that Nathan's in my math (2nd hour), and so is Nina. God, I hate her. And apparently she's got this plan/idea- she wants to ruin my life. I actually laughed at this. I would like to see her try, and then I'd like to see how she fails epically. If she so much as looks at me tomorrow, I'ma cut her. XD Haha. She has no chance of ruining my life- I have my friends on my side. She's a gonner. But yeah. Social studies wasn't too bad, either, 'cause I have awesome people there, too. :] Lunch was... interesting. lol. Everyone decided that they wanted to sit on me today... and it was actually funny. Like Philip, Leah, and Joanne all sat on me (not at the same time, thank God!). But it's like, whenever I sit next to Bryant, it's just nice to have him there... and feel his body like against mine... it's so reassurring. *blush* But yeah. So then I had science, and I found out that Taylor, Philip & Bryant are all in my class! I was like 'DUDE'. :] It was awesome. And after we'd done our lab, I took Bryant's seat, so he sat next to me, and it was the first time I really looked into his eyes like that, and they're such a beautiful amber... I was almost speechless. Almost. ^.^ And when I was on the bus, Chase & I were sitting next to each other, and he was talking about how Bryant was gay, and I was like :[. I didn't think it was all that funny. Guh.

Laura might get her braces off!! I hope she does for her sake. I know that she's worried about Selgae's, but I also know that even if she can't get them off before then, she'll look drop-dead gorgeous. :]

OMG. I am now addicted to Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin and Sadie Hawkins by Relient K. And I've fallen in love with Staind. ♥

I guess that's all for now... I should really do my homework... I have a shit ton of it... *sigh*

Love,
Lauren. ♥

P.S. When words become useless, just hold my hand.

Selgae's & Bryant <3

God, I have the best boyfriend ever. :]

So Laura & I were talking (of course) and she texted him saying that I wanted a pair of his boxers (I did. lol.), and he wasn't like "wtf no" or anything. In fact, he brought me a pair, and he was more concerned about if they'd fit me than if he'd get in shit for giving them to me or anything! I almost died when Laura told me. :] She also told me about how this afternoon when I got out of class late, he looked really sad & lonely and told her to ask me where I'd been 'cause he wanted to make sure I was all right... and I melted. He's such an awesome kid!!

I was depressed when I didn't see him in the afternoon, though. :[ But at least I've got zero hour, though, right? :]

Wow, I miss him a lot... but I love having him to miss... it's such a nice feeling.

I still need a dress for Selgae's. The one in my current profile pic was AMAZING, but I couldn't afford it... so Laura & I are gonna go dress shopping again soon. 'Cause I have a date, but I need a dress. Hmm... we both think that I should get a purple & black one. lol.

But I'm seriously so excited for tomorrow, it's not even funny. Yee. <3

Ta-ta for now,
Lauren. ♥

P.S. If I tell you I love you... can I keep you forever?

Just A Thought

((I wrote this yesterday, but I was grounded so I wasn't allowed online.))

~*~

I’ve been thinking lately, and I was just wondering what it’s like to be really invisible to everyone... like really, truly invisible. I guess I’ve never really been like that, ‘cause I’m so out there, but sometimes I feel like I am. Usually when I feel like that, it’s during a class that I don’t have anyone else in (at least, anyone that’s a friend). When I’m in class and there’s nobody there, I tend to be really shy and quiet and out of the way... same thing if I’m in a class that I’m not very good at or I don’t know very well. And even though a lot of my friends are better than me in a lot of areas, I guess I don’t sweat it, ‘cause I know that I have my strengths, too... and I try my hardest to support them in their shit; I know they’d do the same for me.

So this weekend, I went to a church thing with Laura called “Sexy?” and we learned more about the whole sex scene and one of the questions that girls ask is “Do you see me?”. I thought that was very powerful; one could answer “yes” right away, but if you think about it on a deeper level, then it’s like... no, you don’t, really. Because if you did, then you would see my flaws and love me for them and not care if I fucked up- you would be there for me, always. If you really saw me, then you would know. We also talked about who girls go to in order to find the answer, and I think it’s sad that a lot of girls just throw their bodies away because they want to know who they are. I believe that if you leave the physical shit out of a relationship, you’ll get to know someone better than you ever would if it all was based on sex. Just because sex reveals the intimacy of physical things- i.e. the body- doesn’t mean that it’ll tell you anything about that person.

Personally, I’m scared of sex. It’s a big deal, and I want my first time to be really special. I know that I want to wait, but I also know that it’s going to be hard to... especially in today’s society. And even if you’re married, it’s scary. I mean, you’re revealing your whole body to another person, and you’re trusting that they’ll love you even if you have imperfections. And just the thought of being naked in front of anyone scares me. My body is MY body, and it’s very personal, and sex is supposed to help strengthen relationships; not build them or hold them together. The best gift you can give is yourself. Sex is only a piece of that.

Okay. Now that that’s off my chest...

So it’s the end of quarter two (YES!) and on Tuesday I’m starting a whole new term- new classes included. Band is like the only class I have that’s the same. Even computer tech’s done now... and it’s like “Woah! Where’d the year go?” I can’t believe that I’m ½ way through my freshman year! I’m glad that I got my gym credits done- now I don’t ever have to take them in high school again- but I’m anxious... like, my math class is on the 3rd floor, then I have social studies, which is on the 1st, then science, which is on the 3rd. I’m gonna be running around like mad, trying to get from class to class in 8 minutes. I think that once I get used to it, though, I’ll be able to relax. I mean, I already know where two of my classes are, and I think I’ll be able to find people in my other two... hopefully. I know that like everyone’s in my social studies class. Trevor, Kerry, Kylie; just to name a few. :] But I’m pumped for that. At least I know that I won’t be alone. And hopefully I’ll be able to keep up in my schoolwork- I’m one of the only kids with like three main classes at once. D: It kinda sucks. And I don’t even have English to take my mind off of things!! *sigh*

As for Bryant and me... we’re doing pretty well. Everyone at lunch the other day was yeeing at me ‘cause we were holding hands. It was so nice. What an awesome kid.

Matt. My God. I’m scared for him. Like really scared. He’s grounded until like March, and it’s because of his creepass girlfriend. God, I hate her- and I don’t even know the chick! All that I know is that he’s in deep shit and his mom even hates her. But he’s changed a lot... and not for the better. I don’t like the new Matt, and neither does Laura. He’s such a dumb kid! He makes me want to kick a cat. >:O

DALE AND ANNA ARE BACK TOGETHER! AND IT MAKES ME HAPPY! :D

I was so mad when they broke up. But now it’s all better, and I’m a happy girl.

Well, that’s all there is for now.

I’ll keep y’all updated. :]

Love,
Lauren. <3

P.S. Te amo.

Te amo.

Okay, so zero hour wasn't all that I'd wanted... but it was nice...

Yes, I did hang out with Bryant. And Laura. And Andrea, and everyone else. But yeah, it was kind of weird 'cause I wanted... I don't even know what I wanted, but I knew that Bryant wanted to be near me, and it was nice to just know that. This is going slower than a lot of other relationships that I've had have, but it's kind of nice, 'cause the ones that went slow-ish lasted longer. And I want this to last.

Selgae's. God. If I don't finish this SmartMusic shit, then I can't go! D: And I know that Bryant wouldn't have his world crushed if we couldn't go, but still... I've been looking forward to this for a while. *sigh*

Well, I should do homework now. Guh. I hate finals.

Give me a snow day or give me death,
Lauren.

Whee.

Okay, so it's been better, I guess.



Last night, I was freaking out because I have to write an evil paper on The Scarlet Letter, and I don't really get the book, so I'm kind of fucked there, but hopefully I can scrape a decent grade... hopefully. *sigh* But I got my Romeo and Juliet essay into Mrs. Goertz, so at least I don't have that hanging over my freaking head. God.



Today was pretty good. I mean, band's always awesome, and computer tech's... computer tech. Haha. Spanish was pretty good, actually. There were a lot of "that's what she said" jokes, which I am getting better at. lol. English was cool; but lunch was good, too. It was fourth hour when things started getting interesting. I have gym fourth with Trevor, Philip, Hannah, Marcie, and tons of other people, and we were playing badminton. I was rockin' out with my badminton racket guitar and headbanging and I was a frickin' hack at it. It was sexy. But yeah, I was really excited and then I was ranting at everyone about everything. Poor Bryant. The kid's heard me ranting and yelling more than like most of my friends have. He's awesome about it, though; he just stands there and listens to me. What a cool kid.

Ooh, yeah, I have a band concert tonight. Laura's got UMTYMP, so I'm gonna help her by getting her saxophone out and shit. 'Cause I'm that cool of a person. But I'm pumped 'cause I get to hang with people and I'll talk to Bryant. Everyone's like "OMG ASK HIM OUT" but I can't get the guts to. *sigh*

Welcome to my life.

Lauren. ♥

P.S. Why am I so afraid to lose you... when you're not even mine?

New Year. Whoopee.

Well, it's a new year. Huzzah. Not.

I guess I'm excited for it to be 2009, but I mean, it feels just like last year. Not different. Maybe it'll turn out to be good (Obama takes office, yay!), but maybe it'll suck. Ah, well, only time will tell.

So I spent New Years with the 'rents, but I won't get into that 'cause it wasn't boring, but not exciting, either. *sigh*

Oh, yes, I was at Trevor's last night for a party, and it was fricking AMAZING. So like everyone was there, and we watched Shallow Hal and it was hilarious. Oh, yeah, and Bryant and I cuddled. He's so comfortable, and I was so happy to be with him. At one point, I just wanted to freeze the rest of the world and just stay there and listen to his heartbeat. He's the most amazing guy ever. *sigh*

So yeah... I really like him. Pretty much the story of my life right now.

RIGHT. THE FUCKING SCARLET LETTER. MY GOD I HATE THAT BOOK WITH A BURNING PASSION AND IT SHOULD GO DIE IN THE FLAMING PITS OF HELL. AUGH. Oh, and I have to write a frickin' essay on it (300 words!) for enriched english! And I have to re-write my Romeo and Juliet paper 'cause it sucked. God. I hate school right now.

*sigh*

Well. I guess I'll talk later. I should start on my essay before I'm totally fucked. =/

Peace.

Lauren. ♥

New Years

Wow, I can't believe that it's new years already. I woke up this morning and I swear to God I thought that it was tomorrow. Guess I was wrong.

Okay, so I haven't exactly written in a long time, so I guess I'd just update you with the latest shit.

First of all: Christmas. Christmas wasn't too horrible. I mean, yes, we ended up going down to Iowa, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. No, wait, yes, it was. First, I was in a bad mood because I was going in the first place, and then I kind of got into this fight with my mom on Christmas morning (it got physical. I hadn't eaten anything, so when we'd stopped, I felt like I was going to throw up and I laid down on the bathroom tile for like fifteen minutes), and it kind of colored the whole day for me. But other than that, it wasn't too God-awful. *sigh*

I also had a sleepover with Laura. It was pretty awesome, as per usual. We stayed up and watched Greek and 27 Dresses, and we both enjoyed staying up till all hours just talking. I find it awesome that we never get sick of each other, too. I owe that girl so much. She lets me use her cell to text Bryant, and it's actually helped a lot. When I get a cell phone, I'll make it up to her. Oh, speaking of Bryant, Laura told him that if he only liked me as a friend, that he should stop leading me on, and he's like "because one of the reasons I like her as a friend only is cuz i don't know her very wel...I love her personality...it's just I don't know her hobbies or her favorites or anything" and I felt so fluffy when I read that. It's true. We never get to talk because I'm always surrounded by my friends and stuff. Not that I don't love them, but... yeah. A cell would make my life so much easier.

Oh, and the cutting thing. Yeah... I did that yesterday and the day before that. I mean, for one thing, I don't get The Scarlet Letter, and that's putting a lot of stress on me, and Mrs. Goertz has been so understanding and awesome to me, so I feel so guilty for not understanding it... I feel like such an idiot. Because it's not that hard of a book... but for some reason, I just... don't get it. And I should. And it frustrates me because I know that I'm smarter than that! But I still don't fucking get it. And it's driving me crazy.

I guess I kind of want break to be over already... because it's not like I'm enjoying myself, really... but I don't want school to start, either. Especially gym class. Hate it.

OH. YEAH. I ALMOST FORGOT. MATT DUMPED ANDREA ON CHRISTMAS. I AM SO ANGRY AT HIM. I MEAN, CHRISTMAS?! THAT WAS SO MEAN. >:O UGH.

I think I've been doing better... but I dunno... it's really embarassing, but I can't even break down in my own house because I have this creepy feeling that my friends and people are going to see it and know about it and I won't be able to handle it... it's really... creepy... and I hate it... because it's a terrible feeling... and I want it to go the fuck away. Because I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of being afraid... and I don't even know why I am afraid, or what I'm afraid of! It's driving me nuts!

I can't wait for the new year... though I don't know if I'm going to make any resolutions 'cause I usually forget about them and stuff... haha. I'm going skiing with Bridget tomorrow, and I'm pretty excited for that. I don't get to see her as much as I used to, so it's weird. But I love her. <3

I miss Laura.

Love,
Lauren.

*sigh*

Okay, so today was... weird. To say the least.

This morning, I got up at like 6:50-something, and my bus comes at like 7:30, so I was a little rushed. I made it to the bus stop, though. So that was okay.

Band wasn't horrible, nor was computer tech... they were pretty much the same... so yeah...

Spanish was okay, too, 'cause we had a substatute. She was rather bitchy, but she was cool to me.

English was... weird... so I was happy and whatever before lunch, and then I get to lunch and there's Bryant, Chase, Jack, Liam, Lucy, and Tim. Lucy had another "panic attack" and this time, I think it was real, because she was acting differently... and Bryant thought it was fake, and told her so... and I know that hurt her. I felt guilty, because I know she fakes those a lot, and I wasn't sure what to think. She just gets up and leaves, and then when Bryant and people had to go, I was kinda... out of it, so I went up by the english room and sat in the corner and listened to my iPod. I felt like being emo, dammit. So I was. People didn't really notice me, which made me happy and sad at the same time.

Gym just sucked. We had to run the mile, and I was sick last night, so I was feeling bad enough without that on top of it. After that was over, we had the choice between a few games, and toward the end of class this one boy was in the bathroom and he hit his head on the blow dryer and was bleeding all over. I felt so bad for him- he's probably going to have to get stiches. *sigh*

I've been depressed today... and it's been weird, 'cause I was really happy earlier this week... and now I'm back being numb... I feel like... like there's a part of me missing, and I don't have any idea what it is. I'm sick of not knowing. And I'm sick of my stomach being in knots whenever I think about how much I wish that I wasn't here... and I think that subconsiously, I'm trying to run myself into the ground... because I can't kill myself... I couldn't do that... so maybe I am trying to... but in a different way...? I don't know... and my friends try to tell me that they'll be there, and I think it's nice and all, but a lot of the people that say "forever"... well... aren't... and they say to just get over it and there are people out there worse off than I am, and I know that, but I can't help it that I feel... like this... and I shouldn't have to think that. I should be making the best of this... but I can't... and feeling like there's a piece missing isn't just something you can forget about... even though I wish I could. I'm seriously sick... like, physically and mentally... and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Regretfully,
Lauren.

Let Me Be Myself

I guess I'm getting really sick of everything.

My parents want me to "change the attitude" and it's like, I'm fifteen. I come with it. It's a package deal... and having shit constantly thrown at me doesn't really help, you know. It's not my fault that I'm having issues... with people... of course.

People suck.

So Bryant and I were talking last night and he was obviously flirting with me... and then I find out that he says he doesn't like me... which hurt more because he won't fricking tell me himself, and if he doesn't have the guts to do that, then I don't think he's worth my time.

It's amazing how many guys I go through... and no, I'm not saying I'm proud of it. Just within like two weeks, I went back out with two of my exes AND broke up with them... and it's so weird, because... well... *sigh*... Jared & I got back together and then split... and then... well... Matt was like in love with me... and I broke his heart into a thousand pieces once, and he still loved me... and we broke up again... and now he's going out with my friend Andrea. Don't get me wrong, I love her, and I think that they'll be cute together, but it's... weird, ya know?

And Bridget and Ricardo called it quits... which, in my opinion, is really good... both of them are awesome kids, but... just not a good couple... he was making me angry... God.

School... I'm worried about it... I just... don't freaking care... and it's not like I don't want to care... I just... don't. And I'm so sick of it. I want to have a good future, but with grades like this... I don't know where I'll end up.

I can't believe how much I've changed... I used to be so... innocent, I didn't swear, I didn't say shit like, 'Oh my God', etc... and I was just... a little girl that didn't know what the world was... and now I'm an older teenager who doesn't know what the world really wants from her... God, I don't even know who I am anymore.

*sigh*

Regretfully yours,

Lauren. ♥

P.S. I hate myself for this... but I don't hate Bryant for this... I can't hate him... what the hell is wrong with me? :[

Halloween!

Hey, everyone!

Happy Halloween!

Today wasn't too bad... I wore my Fedora, pearl earrings, my suit jacket & a black cami, a pearl necklace, a jean miniskirt, tights, and my Candies stillettos. It was pretty sexy, if I do say so myself. Haha. Anyway, so in Spanish I had to stand up in front of the class and everyone was looking at me and I was like, "Hey... how's it going?" and it was a little awkward, but not too bad. In Enriched English we were working with Iambic Pentameters, and it was pretty amazing. My friend came up with this: I can't believe that she would fuck my mom." and I almost died from laughing so hard.

Lunch was interesting, though... Bryant seemed a little bit like he was avoiding me... and he, like, didn't really talk to me much... though he was looking at me- I caught him doing it- not that I wasn't looking at him, though. *sigh* And after, since he's got 4th lunch too, he has to leave at the same time I do, and I was like, hug?
Bryant: I'm sick.
Me: *gives withering look* I've been sick. I'm not gonna get sick.
Bryant: But I'm sick. I don't want you to get sick.
Me: I promise, I'm not gonna get sick.
*hug*
Me: I won't get sick. I promise. I bet you ten bucks that I won't get sick!
Bryant: I won't bet!
*end*
So, I guess it made me feel a little fluffy inside... hee hee...

Oh, and I found out that Morgan has a new girlfriend. Seriously, what is with my boyfriends getting new girlfriends within a week of us splitting?! I don't get it!! >:O It depresses me! Laura says that I have, like, a disease... I can't stay single for, like, over a week. What sucks is she's kind of right. I wish that I didn't have so many guys that liked me... and no, I'm not kidding. I don't get why they like me in the first place!! Seriously! There are tons of better, smarter, prettier, and taller girls out there... but they always pick me. I don't get it. :/

*sigh*

Now I'm depressed.

I guess I'll keep ya updated... but this is all for now.

Love,
Lauryn.

xOxOxOxO

Dude. What A Day.

Wow, I just failed. I typed the title of the post, and then I pressed "enter"... and it saved it. God, I hate computers.

Haha, just kidding.

I actually love computers... o.o

Okay, so I was just talking to one of my friends, and he's like, "I know you love Bryant." and I'm like, "wtf..." and he's like, "How long were you staring at the guy?" I glanced. I did not stare. I glanced. Frick that. I do really like him, though... but I learned that he has a girlfriend (though she's in New York), and even though I freaking love him, I won't put him through the hell that I could. See? I am a nice person.

So. I cannot believe that Halloween is TOMORROW!!! :o I mean, I knew it was coming up, but... wow! I'm gonna throw my costume together tonight. Haha. I'm going to my friend's house for a party... but, like, there's only, like, one guy I know- Chase. He lives in my neighborhood, too, and he's pretty cool. :] (I'll never tell HIM that, though!!) I'm actually pretty excited. I think we're going trick-or-treating (who gives a shit if we're in high school?!). My mom was like, "That's inappropriate. High schoolers are too old for that." And I'm like, wtf?! FREE CANDY!!! I DON'T CARE!! HAHA!!

I am in a very odd mood today. So I started the day so fucking pissed that I could barely walk straight ('cause my evil parents made me go to the doctor's instead of pep band! The nerve of them!), and then I'm ending it... happily numb... which is an oxymoron, thank you very much. :P I keep going in and out of being depressed (or emo, if you really want to say that), and in class I ended up writing "What if I wanted to break", "What am I saying? You don't care", and "What r u waiting 4?" on my hand. Mom and dad didn't appreciate that much... but it was better than the time when I wrote lyrics all up and down my (left) arm. That was epic.

Speaking of epic, I am beginning to plan my sweet 16... even though I turned 15 just three days ago. I mean, it's gonna be big, and I need to get started on plans right away so I can put them into action and have it damn near perfect. Haha. That's also why I'm having a friend or three help. :]

So... I think I've exhausted my mind (and my fingers) for tonight... I may add more to this, but that's all for now!!

Love,
Lauryn. ♥