Sentimental pt. I

I have way too much on my mind.


First of all, I should adress the cutting issue... well, I have continued to. Last night, I went on another cutting spree, and this morning, I woke up with "NUMB" scratched into my stomach. The really creepy thing is that I have no memory of doing that... and it's just a little eerie that I wouldn't remember that.

Apparently, Bridget has a new crush... and it's a senior. Has she not learned anything from me? My senior escapade ended in a broken heart for me. It's not that hard to see that freshman-senior... just doesn't work. I want her to be careful... and I miss her a lot. It's so different... now that we never see each other... and I think that we're starting to drift away...

School is a bitch. Seriously... I mean, I just don't care anymore... and it's starting to show in my acedemics and in my social life... I'm so scared that it'll all fall apart... and that I'll lose everything and everyone that I hold close now... and I don't want that... I need my friends... so badly. Without them, I would not be here right now.

When I talk to my friends, some of them are like, "Oh, just think about it; there's always someone worse off than you are."
IT. DOESN'T. HELP.
When I do that, then I feel even guiltier because I know that I shouldn't feel like this, and it makes it all worse... and it's also like when people make fun of cutting and shit. It's really not okay, and it needs to stop. Right now. Or I swear to God I'm going to fucking snap.

I am so close to the edge...

so close.

My parents aren't helping at all... they're always making jokes, and they never fucking take me seriously unless I start physically being there... like I grabbed my mom by the front of the shirt, and my dad took my head and hit it against the wall... hard. I didn't cry, but it hurt a lot. No, I'm not going to say that I don't do anything, but my mom seems to enjoy provoking my reactions. And I can't just ignore it. It's not that fucking easy.

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

I wish I could believe this as much as I wanted to... but I've been dealing with all of this shit for about six fucking years, and I want it to stop... I hate this so much... but I can't do a fucking thing about it... nobody can...

I guess I'll continue this later...

~Lauren.

Gotta Be Somebody

I can't believe it's December already.

Time has gone by so fricking fast... it's insane how much has changed... even over one year... it's crazy how much shit my friends & I have gone through, and yet we've managed to stay strong and keep relying on each other. Breakups, makeups, parents... everything you could possibly imagine has been thrown at us... and yet we still manage to wake up the next day. I don't even know how we do it.

*sigh*

I don't know if I can take this anymore, ya know? I mean, I'm always being criticized by my parents- nothing I do is ever good enough, and then they always find something to nag me about... and it's starting to really get to me. For instance, my mother keeps telling me that my friends need me more than I need them and that I'm just a burden in their lives... and that I'm not wanted nor am I needed, and the really sad thing is that I think I actually believe her. :[ And then she has the guts to go on and talk about how "worried about me" she is. It's driving me fucking crazy! Some days I seriously would kill her if I wouldn't go to jail for it. I wish she would go off and die. I'm not really sure if I ever loved my parents... I guess I've simply tolerated them... but I can't tell... because now I'm not sure of anything... especially love... and I hate how I'm always so confused and I can't say anything that's 100% because I don't want to lie to someone...

It's got to stop.

Or I won't make it.

Because I may be strong, but I'm not strong enough to keep handling this like it's coming at me. & I realize that, and that makes me stronger... but I have my weaknesses, too... like cutting.

Yesterday I cut.

I used a paperclip.

It still stings.

But I can't stop... it's like I'm sick or something.

I'll talk more later... when I have more to say.

Lauren.

*sigh*

Okay, so today was... weird. To say the least.

This morning, I got up at like 6:50-something, and my bus comes at like 7:30, so I was a little rushed. I made it to the bus stop, though. So that was okay.

Band wasn't horrible, nor was computer tech... they were pretty much the same... so yeah...

Spanish was okay, too, 'cause we had a substatute. She was rather bitchy, but she was cool to me.

English was... weird... so I was happy and whatever before lunch, and then I get to lunch and there's Bryant, Chase, Jack, Liam, Lucy, and Tim. Lucy had another "panic attack" and this time, I think it was real, because she was acting differently... and Bryant thought it was fake, and told her so... and I know that hurt her. I felt guilty, because I know she fakes those a lot, and I wasn't sure what to think. She just gets up and leaves, and then when Bryant and people had to go, I was kinda... out of it, so I went up by the english room and sat in the corner and listened to my iPod. I felt like being emo, dammit. So I was. People didn't really notice me, which made me happy and sad at the same time.

Gym just sucked. We had to run the mile, and I was sick last night, so I was feeling bad enough without that on top of it. After that was over, we had the choice between a few games, and toward the end of class this one boy was in the bathroom and he hit his head on the blow dryer and was bleeding all over. I felt so bad for him- he's probably going to have to get stiches. *sigh*

I've been depressed today... and it's been weird, 'cause I was really happy earlier this week... and now I'm back being numb... I feel like... like there's a part of me missing, and I don't have any idea what it is. I'm sick of not knowing. And I'm sick of my stomach being in knots whenever I think about how much I wish that I wasn't here... and I think that subconsiously, I'm trying to run myself into the ground... because I can't kill myself... I couldn't do that... so maybe I am trying to... but in a different way...? I don't know... and my friends try to tell me that they'll be there, and I think it's nice and all, but a lot of the people that say "forever"... well... aren't... and they say to just get over it and there are people out there worse off than I am, and I know that, but I can't help it that I feel... like this... and I shouldn't have to think that. I should be making the best of this... but I can't... and feeling like there's a piece missing isn't just something you can forget about... even though I wish I could. I'm seriously sick... like, physically and mentally... and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Regretfully,
Lauren.

Let Me Be Myself

I guess I'm getting really sick of everything.

My parents want me to "change the attitude" and it's like, I'm fifteen. I come with it. It's a package deal... and having shit constantly thrown at me doesn't really help, you know. It's not my fault that I'm having issues... with people... of course.

People suck.

So Bryant and I were talking last night and he was obviously flirting with me... and then I find out that he says he doesn't like me... which hurt more because he won't fricking tell me himself, and if he doesn't have the guts to do that, then I don't think he's worth my time.

It's amazing how many guys I go through... and no, I'm not saying I'm proud of it. Just within like two weeks, I went back out with two of my exes AND broke up with them... and it's so weird, because... well... *sigh*... Jared & I got back together and then split... and then... well... Matt was like in love with me... and I broke his heart into a thousand pieces once, and he still loved me... and we broke up again... and now he's going out with my friend Andrea. Don't get me wrong, I love her, and I think that they'll be cute together, but it's... weird, ya know?

And Bridget and Ricardo called it quits... which, in my opinion, is really good... both of them are awesome kids, but... just not a good couple... he was making me angry... God.

School... I'm worried about it... I just... don't freaking care... and it's not like I don't want to care... I just... don't. And I'm so sick of it. I want to have a good future, but with grades like this... I don't know where I'll end up.

I can't believe how much I've changed... I used to be so... innocent, I didn't swear, I didn't say shit like, 'Oh my God', etc... and I was just... a little girl that didn't know what the world was... and now I'm an older teenager who doesn't know what the world really wants from her... God, I don't even know who I am anymore.

*sigh*

Regretfully yours,

Lauren. ♥

P.S. I hate myself for this... but I don't hate Bryant for this... I can't hate him... what the hell is wrong with me? :[

The Weight of the World

I don't know.

I just don't know.

I mean, I feel so... alienated... so... loved, yet hated; so wanted, yet so unwanted... it's a fucking bad feeling, and I really wish that I could sever ties with everyone who "cares" so that it wouldn't be so damn hard to say goodbye... but I don't know if I'll be able to do that...

So... today wasn't great.

Neither was yesterday.

Or last weekend, for that matter. My parens and I fought, and I lost it... I ended up crying in my dark room for what seemed like days... it was bad. I actually ended up cutting again... shit. My parents don't know... but I'm in no hurry to tell them. After all, once there was blood on the carpet in front of the sink in the bathroom once, and it was not mine, and my mom's like, "Well, if you're gonna do that to yourself, at least keep it off the carpet." And so I really don't want to say anything to them... not that it would really matter if I did...

I have more to say... but I must do some homework so I don't get killed by my parents- or teachers. I will say it later, then.

Love,
Lauryn. ♥

Guiltitone

The title is from the word "guillitone". Just so you know.

So, I went to Heather's party last night, and it was awesome. Sean was there (my 18-year-old ex), but it wasn't weird at all. In fact, we ended up acting all couple-y again... like, his arm around me, holding hands, etc. We watched the ending of House of Wax, and then we watched part of Fear.com before we watched all of 28 Weeks Later... which I actually enjoyed, even though it was really really gory. In fact, in this one scene, this guy is killing his wife (she's got the virus, but she doesn't show any symptoms, she's just a carrier, but he kissed her and got the virus from that, so he goes insane), and he's, like, putting his thumbs in her eyes and I couldn't watch that, so I turned into him and he just held me and I was feeling fluffy, but then I was okay. After that, we decided to go to this gas station, so we all walked there and then Sean, Paige, and I walked back and got back, like, ages before everyone else did, and it was hilarious. So we sit down and we watched House, which totally reminds me of Jared, another ex. I mean, he, House, and I are like the same damn person... just on different levels. Anyway, so we're watching t.v. and Sean puts his hand on my leg (he knows that I've drawn the lines very clearly- NO SEX), and he was, like, gently rubbing it, and it felt so good, I'm not going to lie. It was amazing. I was really sad when he had to go... so all the guys had to leave, but the girls were sleeping over, and so they were all leaving, and then he kissed me. Yes, he kissed me. And I liked it. The only thing that was in the back of my head the whole time was Kassia... his girlfriend... :[ And now I feel kind of guilty about the whole thing... but I'm gonna talk to him about it, so we can figure this out.

So the girls are sleeping over, right? Well, Heather was freaking tired, so she went to bed really early, but Jade, Paige, Amanda, and I were up until 5 talking about all sorts of random shit. It was amazing. And this morning, we woke up at, like, 11:30... and we ate candy for breakfast. It was pretty sexy, if I do say so myself.

When I got home, though, things weren't as fabulous.

Mom and I fought, I broke down... it got ugly... *sigh*

But that's all for now... I'll keep y'all updated, though.

Love,
Lauryn.

Halloween!

Hey, everyone!

Happy Halloween!

Today wasn't too bad... I wore my Fedora, pearl earrings, my suit jacket & a black cami, a pearl necklace, a jean miniskirt, tights, and my Candies stillettos. It was pretty sexy, if I do say so myself. Haha. Anyway, so in Spanish I had to stand up in front of the class and everyone was looking at me and I was like, "Hey... how's it going?" and it was a little awkward, but not too bad. In Enriched English we were working with Iambic Pentameters, and it was pretty amazing. My friend came up with this: I can't believe that she would fuck my mom." and I almost died from laughing so hard.

Lunch was interesting, though... Bryant seemed a little bit like he was avoiding me... and he, like, didn't really talk to me much... though he was looking at me- I caught him doing it- not that I wasn't looking at him, though. *sigh* And after, since he's got 4th lunch too, he has to leave at the same time I do, and I was like, hug?
Bryant: I'm sick.
Me: *gives withering look* I've been sick. I'm not gonna get sick.
Bryant: But I'm sick. I don't want you to get sick.
Me: I promise, I'm not gonna get sick.
*hug*
Me: I won't get sick. I promise. I bet you ten bucks that I won't get sick!
Bryant: I won't bet!
*end*
So, I guess it made me feel a little fluffy inside... hee hee...

Oh, and I found out that Morgan has a new girlfriend. Seriously, what is with my boyfriends getting new girlfriends within a week of us splitting?! I don't get it!! >:O It depresses me! Laura says that I have, like, a disease... I can't stay single for, like, over a week. What sucks is she's kind of right. I wish that I didn't have so many guys that liked me... and no, I'm not kidding. I don't get why they like me in the first place!! Seriously! There are tons of better, smarter, prettier, and taller girls out there... but they always pick me. I don't get it. :/

*sigh*

Now I'm depressed.

I guess I'll keep ya updated... but this is all for now.

Love,
Lauryn.

xOxOxOxO

Dude. What A Day.

Wow, I just failed. I typed the title of the post, and then I pressed "enter"... and it saved it. God, I hate computers.

Haha, just kidding.

I actually love computers... o.o

Okay, so I was just talking to one of my friends, and he's like, "I know you love Bryant." and I'm like, "wtf..." and he's like, "How long were you staring at the guy?" I glanced. I did not stare. I glanced. Frick that. I do really like him, though... but I learned that he has a girlfriend (though she's in New York), and even though I freaking love him, I won't put him through the hell that I could. See? I am a nice person.

So. I cannot believe that Halloween is TOMORROW!!! :o I mean, I knew it was coming up, but... wow! I'm gonna throw my costume together tonight. Haha. I'm going to my friend's house for a party... but, like, there's only, like, one guy I know- Chase. He lives in my neighborhood, too, and he's pretty cool. :] (I'll never tell HIM that, though!!) I'm actually pretty excited. I think we're going trick-or-treating (who gives a shit if we're in high school?!). My mom was like, "That's inappropriate. High schoolers are too old for that." And I'm like, wtf?! FREE CANDY!!! I DON'T CARE!! HAHA!!

I am in a very odd mood today. So I started the day so fucking pissed that I could barely walk straight ('cause my evil parents made me go to the doctor's instead of pep band! The nerve of them!), and then I'm ending it... happily numb... which is an oxymoron, thank you very much. :P I keep going in and out of being depressed (or emo, if you really want to say that), and in class I ended up writing "What if I wanted to break", "What am I saying? You don't care", and "What r u waiting 4?" on my hand. Mom and dad didn't appreciate that much... but it was better than the time when I wrote lyrics all up and down my (left) arm. That was epic.

Speaking of epic, I am beginning to plan my sweet 16... even though I turned 15 just three days ago. I mean, it's gonna be big, and I need to get started on plans right away so I can put them into action and have it damn near perfect. Haha. That's also why I'm having a friend or three help. :]

So... I think I've exhausted my mind (and my fingers) for tonight... I may add more to this, but that's all for now!!

Love,
Lauryn. ♥

Life Sucks... and Then You Die

I hate everything, you know.

Okay, so maybe not everything, but enough to drive me fricking crazy. I swear to God, I'm going to end up in the Wacky Shack before I'm dead... which may come soon... haha.

Anyway, so there's this guy I like (Bryant), and I found out that he's kind of a liar... and he has a "girlfriend" apparently... and she's from New York. But something doesn't add up about the whole situation... and I'm determined to find out what it is. *sigh* I guess that I'll just have to write my way out of this one... again... I mean, I haven't written too much poetry recently... maybe that's for a reason, though.

God, I hate how much I over-analyze things.

And then I over-analyze my over-analyzing.

GOD.

So, today, I got to get out of school for pep band. We got to leave at noon and we got back at, like, 5:50-ish. It was epic. EP EAGLES WON! YEAH!

Today I'm very tired... it's been, like, go-go-go all freaking day! My God! And then tomorrow, during our Zero Hour, I have to make up an Enriched English test! >.<

Well, that's all for now, I guess.

Love,
Lauryn.