Sentimental pt. I

I have way too much on my mind.


First of all, I should adress the cutting issue... well, I have continued to. Last night, I went on another cutting spree, and this morning, I woke up with "NUMB" scratched into my stomach. The really creepy thing is that I have no memory of doing that... and it's just a little eerie that I wouldn't remember that.

Apparently, Bridget has a new crush... and it's a senior. Has she not learned anything from me? My senior escapade ended in a broken heart for me. It's not that hard to see that freshman-senior... just doesn't work. I want her to be careful... and I miss her a lot. It's so different... now that we never see each other... and I think that we're starting to drift away...

School is a bitch. Seriously... I mean, I just don't care anymore... and it's starting to show in my acedemics and in my social life... I'm so scared that it'll all fall apart... and that I'll lose everything and everyone that I hold close now... and I don't want that... I need my friends... so badly. Without them, I would not be here right now.

When I talk to my friends, some of them are like, "Oh, just think about it; there's always someone worse off than you are."
IT. DOESN'T. HELP.
When I do that, then I feel even guiltier because I know that I shouldn't feel like this, and it makes it all worse... and it's also like when people make fun of cutting and shit. It's really not okay, and it needs to stop. Right now. Or I swear to God I'm going to fucking snap.

I am so close to the edge...

so close.

My parents aren't helping at all... they're always making jokes, and they never fucking take me seriously unless I start physically being there... like I grabbed my mom by the front of the shirt, and my dad took my head and hit it against the wall... hard. I didn't cry, but it hurt a lot. No, I'm not going to say that I don't do anything, but my mom seems to enjoy provoking my reactions. And I can't just ignore it. It's not that fucking easy.

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

I wish I could believe this as much as I wanted to... but I've been dealing with all of this shit for about six fucking years, and I want it to stop... I hate this so much... but I can't do a fucking thing about it... nobody can...

I guess I'll continue this later...

~Lauren.

*sigh*

Okay, so today was... weird. To say the least.

This morning, I got up at like 6:50-something, and my bus comes at like 7:30, so I was a little rushed. I made it to the bus stop, though. So that was okay.

Band wasn't horrible, nor was computer tech... they were pretty much the same... so yeah...

Spanish was okay, too, 'cause we had a substatute. She was rather bitchy, but she was cool to me.

English was... weird... so I was happy and whatever before lunch, and then I get to lunch and there's Bryant, Chase, Jack, Liam, Lucy, and Tim. Lucy had another "panic attack" and this time, I think it was real, because she was acting differently... and Bryant thought it was fake, and told her so... and I know that hurt her. I felt guilty, because I know she fakes those a lot, and I wasn't sure what to think. She just gets up and leaves, and then when Bryant and people had to go, I was kinda... out of it, so I went up by the english room and sat in the corner and listened to my iPod. I felt like being emo, dammit. So I was. People didn't really notice me, which made me happy and sad at the same time.

Gym just sucked. We had to run the mile, and I was sick last night, so I was feeling bad enough without that on top of it. After that was over, we had the choice between a few games, and toward the end of class this one boy was in the bathroom and he hit his head on the blow dryer and was bleeding all over. I felt so bad for him- he's probably going to have to get stiches. *sigh*

I've been depressed today... and it's been weird, 'cause I was really happy earlier this week... and now I'm back being numb... I feel like... like there's a part of me missing, and I don't have any idea what it is. I'm sick of not knowing. And I'm sick of my stomach being in knots whenever I think about how much I wish that I wasn't here... and I think that subconsiously, I'm trying to run myself into the ground... because I can't kill myself... I couldn't do that... so maybe I am trying to... but in a different way...? I don't know... and my friends try to tell me that they'll be there, and I think it's nice and all, but a lot of the people that say "forever"... well... aren't... and they say to just get over it and there are people out there worse off than I am, and I know that, but I can't help it that I feel... like this... and I shouldn't have to think that. I should be making the best of this... but I can't... and feeling like there's a piece missing isn't just something you can forget about... even though I wish I could. I'm seriously sick... like, physically and mentally... and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Regretfully,
Lauren.

Let Me Be Myself

I guess I'm getting really sick of everything.

My parents want me to "change the attitude" and it's like, I'm fifteen. I come with it. It's a package deal... and having shit constantly thrown at me doesn't really help, you know. It's not my fault that I'm having issues... with people... of course.

People suck.

So Bryant and I were talking last night and he was obviously flirting with me... and then I find out that he says he doesn't like me... which hurt more because he won't fricking tell me himself, and if he doesn't have the guts to do that, then I don't think he's worth my time.

It's amazing how many guys I go through... and no, I'm not saying I'm proud of it. Just within like two weeks, I went back out with two of my exes AND broke up with them... and it's so weird, because... well... *sigh*... Jared & I got back together and then split... and then... well... Matt was like in love with me... and I broke his heart into a thousand pieces once, and he still loved me... and we broke up again... and now he's going out with my friend Andrea. Don't get me wrong, I love her, and I think that they'll be cute together, but it's... weird, ya know?

And Bridget and Ricardo called it quits... which, in my opinion, is really good... both of them are awesome kids, but... just not a good couple... he was making me angry... God.

School... I'm worried about it... I just... don't freaking care... and it's not like I don't want to care... I just... don't. And I'm so sick of it. I want to have a good future, but with grades like this... I don't know where I'll end up.

I can't believe how much I've changed... I used to be so... innocent, I didn't swear, I didn't say shit like, 'Oh my God', etc... and I was just... a little girl that didn't know what the world was... and now I'm an older teenager who doesn't know what the world really wants from her... God, I don't even know who I am anymore.

*sigh*

Regretfully yours,

Lauren. ♥

P.S. I hate myself for this... but I don't hate Bryant for this... I can't hate him... what the hell is wrong with me? :[