Just A Thought

((I wrote this yesterday, but I was grounded so I wasn't allowed online.))

~*~

I’ve been thinking lately, and I was just wondering what it’s like to be really invisible to everyone... like really, truly invisible. I guess I’ve never really been like that, ‘cause I’m so out there, but sometimes I feel like I am. Usually when I feel like that, it’s during a class that I don’t have anyone else in (at least, anyone that’s a friend). When I’m in class and there’s nobody there, I tend to be really shy and quiet and out of the way... same thing if I’m in a class that I’m not very good at or I don’t know very well. And even though a lot of my friends are better than me in a lot of areas, I guess I don’t sweat it, ‘cause I know that I have my strengths, too... and I try my hardest to support them in their shit; I know they’d do the same for me.

So this weekend, I went to a church thing with Laura called “Sexy?” and we learned more about the whole sex scene and one of the questions that girls ask is “Do you see me?”. I thought that was very powerful; one could answer “yes” right away, but if you think about it on a deeper level, then it’s like... no, you don’t, really. Because if you did, then you would see my flaws and love me for them and not care if I fucked up- you would be there for me, always. If you really saw me, then you would know. We also talked about who girls go to in order to find the answer, and I think it’s sad that a lot of girls just throw their bodies away because they want to know who they are. I believe that if you leave the physical shit out of a relationship, you’ll get to know someone better than you ever would if it all was based on sex. Just because sex reveals the intimacy of physical things- i.e. the body- doesn’t mean that it’ll tell you anything about that person.

Personally, I’m scared of sex. It’s a big deal, and I want my first time to be really special. I know that I want to wait, but I also know that it’s going to be hard to... especially in today’s society. And even if you’re married, it’s scary. I mean, you’re revealing your whole body to another person, and you’re trusting that they’ll love you even if you have imperfections. And just the thought of being naked in front of anyone scares me. My body is MY body, and it’s very personal, and sex is supposed to help strengthen relationships; not build them or hold them together. The best gift you can give is yourself. Sex is only a piece of that.

Okay. Now that that’s off my chest...

So it’s the end of quarter two (YES!) and on Tuesday I’m starting a whole new term- new classes included. Band is like the only class I have that’s the same. Even computer tech’s done now... and it’s like “Woah! Where’d the year go?” I can’t believe that I’m ½ way through my freshman year! I’m glad that I got my gym credits done- now I don’t ever have to take them in high school again- but I’m anxious... like, my math class is on the 3rd floor, then I have social studies, which is on the 1st, then science, which is on the 3rd. I’m gonna be running around like mad, trying to get from class to class in 8 minutes. I think that once I get used to it, though, I’ll be able to relax. I mean, I already know where two of my classes are, and I think I’ll be able to find people in my other two... hopefully. I know that like everyone’s in my social studies class. Trevor, Kerry, Kylie; just to name a few. :] But I’m pumped for that. At least I know that I won’t be alone. And hopefully I’ll be able to keep up in my schoolwork- I’m one of the only kids with like three main classes at once. D: It kinda sucks. And I don’t even have English to take my mind off of things!! *sigh*

As for Bryant and me... we’re doing pretty well. Everyone at lunch the other day was yeeing at me ‘cause we were holding hands. It was so nice. What an awesome kid.

Matt. My God. I’m scared for him. Like really scared. He’s grounded until like March, and it’s because of his creepass girlfriend. God, I hate her- and I don’t even know the chick! All that I know is that he’s in deep shit and his mom even hates her. But he’s changed a lot... and not for the better. I don’t like the new Matt, and neither does Laura. He’s such a dumb kid! He makes me want to kick a cat. >:O

DALE AND ANNA ARE BACK TOGETHER! AND IT MAKES ME HAPPY! :D

I was so mad when they broke up. But now it’s all better, and I’m a happy girl.

Well, that’s all there is for now.

I’ll keep y’all updated. :]

Love,
Lauren. <3

P.S. Te amo.