Just A Thought

((I wrote this yesterday, but I was grounded so I wasn't allowed online.))

~*~

I’ve been thinking lately, and I was just wondering what it’s like to be really invisible to everyone... like really, truly invisible. I guess I’ve never really been like that, ‘cause I’m so out there, but sometimes I feel like I am. Usually when I feel like that, it’s during a class that I don’t have anyone else in (at least, anyone that’s a friend). When I’m in class and there’s nobody there, I tend to be really shy and quiet and out of the way... same thing if I’m in a class that I’m not very good at or I don’t know very well. And even though a lot of my friends are better than me in a lot of areas, I guess I don’t sweat it, ‘cause I know that I have my strengths, too... and I try my hardest to support them in their shit; I know they’d do the same for me.

So this weekend, I went to a church thing with Laura called “Sexy?” and we learned more about the whole sex scene and one of the questions that girls ask is “Do you see me?”. I thought that was very powerful; one could answer “yes” right away, but if you think about it on a deeper level, then it’s like... no, you don’t, really. Because if you did, then you would see my flaws and love me for them and not care if I fucked up- you would be there for me, always. If you really saw me, then you would know. We also talked about who girls go to in order to find the answer, and I think it’s sad that a lot of girls just throw their bodies away because they want to know who they are. I believe that if you leave the physical shit out of a relationship, you’ll get to know someone better than you ever would if it all was based on sex. Just because sex reveals the intimacy of physical things- i.e. the body- doesn’t mean that it’ll tell you anything about that person.

Personally, I’m scared of sex. It’s a big deal, and I want my first time to be really special. I know that I want to wait, but I also know that it’s going to be hard to... especially in today’s society. And even if you’re married, it’s scary. I mean, you’re revealing your whole body to another person, and you’re trusting that they’ll love you even if you have imperfections. And just the thought of being naked in front of anyone scares me. My body is MY body, and it’s very personal, and sex is supposed to help strengthen relationships; not build them or hold them together. The best gift you can give is yourself. Sex is only a piece of that.

Okay. Now that that’s off my chest...

So it’s the end of quarter two (YES!) and on Tuesday I’m starting a whole new term- new classes included. Band is like the only class I have that’s the same. Even computer tech’s done now... and it’s like “Woah! Where’d the year go?” I can’t believe that I’m ½ way through my freshman year! I’m glad that I got my gym credits done- now I don’t ever have to take them in high school again- but I’m anxious... like, my math class is on the 3rd floor, then I have social studies, which is on the 1st, then science, which is on the 3rd. I’m gonna be running around like mad, trying to get from class to class in 8 minutes. I think that once I get used to it, though, I’ll be able to relax. I mean, I already know where two of my classes are, and I think I’ll be able to find people in my other two... hopefully. I know that like everyone’s in my social studies class. Trevor, Kerry, Kylie; just to name a few. :] But I’m pumped for that. At least I know that I won’t be alone. And hopefully I’ll be able to keep up in my schoolwork- I’m one of the only kids with like three main classes at once. D: It kinda sucks. And I don’t even have English to take my mind off of things!! *sigh*

As for Bryant and me... we’re doing pretty well. Everyone at lunch the other day was yeeing at me ‘cause we were holding hands. It was so nice. What an awesome kid.

Matt. My God. I’m scared for him. Like really scared. He’s grounded until like March, and it’s because of his creepass girlfriend. God, I hate her- and I don’t even know the chick! All that I know is that he’s in deep shit and his mom even hates her. But he’s changed a lot... and not for the better. I don’t like the new Matt, and neither does Laura. He’s such a dumb kid! He makes me want to kick a cat. >:O

DALE AND ANNA ARE BACK TOGETHER! AND IT MAKES ME HAPPY! :D

I was so mad when they broke up. But now it’s all better, and I’m a happy girl.

Well, that’s all there is for now.

I’ll keep y’all updated. :]

Love,
Lauren. <3

P.S. Te amo.

Life and Love

Whew, what a night last night!

So Laura slept over, and it was pretty amazing. So my dad and I were fixing dinner and then when Laura got here we ate. I totally forgot that she ate meat. Wow, what kind of friend am I? *headdesk* But after that, we went downstairs and just talked about shit. And yelled at Matt because he's stupid. God, that kid is making me angry. I mean, seriously. Augh. I want to smack him. But enough about that. So we texted Bryant, too, and he didn't answer for like ever so we watched t.v. We were watching The Girls Next Door and it was quite funny, actually. I mean, it's a huge honor to be a Playmate, but it's also so stereotypical, so it's bittersweet. I dunno. But anyway, I ended up asking Bryant out, and he said yes! I was so happy! :] Tomorrow at school, I'm probably gonna be like mobbed by everybody. Oh, jeez. But I'm actually pretty excited to get back- but I'm more excited that it's like the last week of the quarter. And then I've got all new classes: Math, Science, Enriched History. It's gonna be great. (That was only being 1/2 sarcastic.)

Today kind of sucked... went to the dentist; nothing's bad with my teeth, but I just hate going. Ugh. But before we had to go, I did get to practice my guitar a bit, which was nice.

That's all for now, I guess.

Love,
Lauren. ♥

Other Life?

So yesterday kind of sucked. Okay, it really sucked.

Band was cool, but it's always cool. Computer tech wasn't too hard, either. But Spanish. Woah. I had this bigass test, and I like totally blanked on it- I don't think that I FAILED, but I know that I bs-ed some of it. *sigh* But then I had english. Holy crap. The Scarlet Letter test was awful! The true/false part of it was OPINIONS, too! I was like "FAIL! DIE!" And I also got an 8/18 on that damn vocab quiz.

God, I hate school right now.

After school, Laura and I went to the mall together, and we went to J.C. Penny's, and I found the most beautiful dress I could ever imagine. It was blue, strapless, and floor-length, and it fit me like a dream. But... I couldn't get it. It was $2oo. I almost cried.

...I shouldn't feel guilty. But I do.

Laura and I were talking about Matt last night, too, and it's not pretty. According to her, he's still way not over me... and it's like... sad, because the new girl he's dating is a total bitch, and Laura can tell that she doesn't really like him... and I feel so guilty because he's changed so much, and I know that I had a big hand in it... and I think that he needs to get over me... because I love him, but I'm not IN love with him... and I guess it's possible that we could have a future together, but not now. I've moved on. I know it's really hard to get over someone, but... he's just not dealing with it the right way. I feel so bad for him, too. He deserves better, even though he's kind of turned into a royal jackass. *sigh*

Love sucks.
Lauren.

New Years

Wow, I can't believe that it's new years already. I woke up this morning and I swear to God I thought that it was tomorrow. Guess I was wrong.

Okay, so I haven't exactly written in a long time, so I guess I'd just update you with the latest shit.

First of all: Christmas. Christmas wasn't too horrible. I mean, yes, we ended up going down to Iowa, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. No, wait, yes, it was. First, I was in a bad mood because I was going in the first place, and then I kind of got into this fight with my mom on Christmas morning (it got physical. I hadn't eaten anything, so when we'd stopped, I felt like I was going to throw up and I laid down on the bathroom tile for like fifteen minutes), and it kind of colored the whole day for me. But other than that, it wasn't too God-awful. *sigh*

I also had a sleepover with Laura. It was pretty awesome, as per usual. We stayed up and watched Greek and 27 Dresses, and we both enjoyed staying up till all hours just talking. I find it awesome that we never get sick of each other, too. I owe that girl so much. She lets me use her cell to text Bryant, and it's actually helped a lot. When I get a cell phone, I'll make it up to her. Oh, speaking of Bryant, Laura told him that if he only liked me as a friend, that he should stop leading me on, and he's like "because one of the reasons I like her as a friend only is cuz i don't know her very wel...I love her personality...it's just I don't know her hobbies or her favorites or anything" and I felt so fluffy when I read that. It's true. We never get to talk because I'm always surrounded by my friends and stuff. Not that I don't love them, but... yeah. A cell would make my life so much easier.

Oh, and the cutting thing. Yeah... I did that yesterday and the day before that. I mean, for one thing, I don't get The Scarlet Letter, and that's putting a lot of stress on me, and Mrs. Goertz has been so understanding and awesome to me, so I feel so guilty for not understanding it... I feel like such an idiot. Because it's not that hard of a book... but for some reason, I just... don't get it. And I should. And it frustrates me because I know that I'm smarter than that! But I still don't fucking get it. And it's driving me crazy.

I guess I kind of want break to be over already... because it's not like I'm enjoying myself, really... but I don't want school to start, either. Especially gym class. Hate it.

OH. YEAH. I ALMOST FORGOT. MATT DUMPED ANDREA ON CHRISTMAS. I AM SO ANGRY AT HIM. I MEAN, CHRISTMAS?! THAT WAS SO MEAN. >:O UGH.

I think I've been doing better... but I dunno... it's really embarassing, but I can't even break down in my own house because I have this creepy feeling that my friends and people are going to see it and know about it and I won't be able to handle it... it's really... creepy... and I hate it... because it's a terrible feeling... and I want it to go the fuck away. Because I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of being afraid... and I don't even know why I am afraid, or what I'm afraid of! It's driving me nuts!

I can't wait for the new year... though I don't know if I'm going to make any resolutions 'cause I usually forget about them and stuff... haha. I'm going skiing with Bridget tomorrow, and I'm pretty excited for that. I don't get to see her as much as I used to, so it's weird. But I love her. <3

I miss Laura.

Love,
Lauren.

Let Me Be Myself

I guess I'm getting really sick of everything.

My parents want me to "change the attitude" and it's like, I'm fifteen. I come with it. It's a package deal... and having shit constantly thrown at me doesn't really help, you know. It's not my fault that I'm having issues... with people... of course.

People suck.

So Bryant and I were talking last night and he was obviously flirting with me... and then I find out that he says he doesn't like me... which hurt more because he won't fricking tell me himself, and if he doesn't have the guts to do that, then I don't think he's worth my time.

It's amazing how many guys I go through... and no, I'm not saying I'm proud of it. Just within like two weeks, I went back out with two of my exes AND broke up with them... and it's so weird, because... well... *sigh*... Jared & I got back together and then split... and then... well... Matt was like in love with me... and I broke his heart into a thousand pieces once, and he still loved me... and we broke up again... and now he's going out with my friend Andrea. Don't get me wrong, I love her, and I think that they'll be cute together, but it's... weird, ya know?

And Bridget and Ricardo called it quits... which, in my opinion, is really good... both of them are awesome kids, but... just not a good couple... he was making me angry... God.

School... I'm worried about it... I just... don't freaking care... and it's not like I don't want to care... I just... don't. And I'm so sick of it. I want to have a good future, but with grades like this... I don't know where I'll end up.

I can't believe how much I've changed... I used to be so... innocent, I didn't swear, I didn't say shit like, 'Oh my God', etc... and I was just... a little girl that didn't know what the world was... and now I'm an older teenager who doesn't know what the world really wants from her... God, I don't even know who I am anymore.

*sigh*

Regretfully yours,

Lauren. ♥

P.S. I hate myself for this... but I don't hate Bryant for this... I can't hate him... what the hell is wrong with me? :[