Gotta Be Somebody

I can't believe it's December already.

Time has gone by so fricking fast... it's insane how much has changed... even over one year... it's crazy how much shit my friends & I have gone through, and yet we've managed to stay strong and keep relying on each other. Breakups, makeups, parents... everything you could possibly imagine has been thrown at us... and yet we still manage to wake up the next day. I don't even know how we do it.

*sigh*

I don't know if I can take this anymore, ya know? I mean, I'm always being criticized by my parents- nothing I do is ever good enough, and then they always find something to nag me about... and it's starting to really get to me. For instance, my mother keeps telling me that my friends need me more than I need them and that I'm just a burden in their lives... and that I'm not wanted nor am I needed, and the really sad thing is that I think I actually believe her. :[ And then she has the guts to go on and talk about how "worried about me" she is. It's driving me fucking crazy! Some days I seriously would kill her if I wouldn't go to jail for it. I wish she would go off and die. I'm not really sure if I ever loved my parents... I guess I've simply tolerated them... but I can't tell... because now I'm not sure of anything... especially love... and I hate how I'm always so confused and I can't say anything that's 100% because I don't want to lie to someone...

It's got to stop.

Or I won't make it.

Because I may be strong, but I'm not strong enough to keep handling this like it's coming at me. & I realize that, and that makes me stronger... but I have my weaknesses, too... like cutting.

Yesterday I cut.

I used a paperclip.

It still stings.

But I can't stop... it's like I'm sick or something.

I'll talk more later... when I have more to say.

Lauren.

*sigh*

Okay, so today was... weird. To say the least.

This morning, I got up at like 6:50-something, and my bus comes at like 7:30, so I was a little rushed. I made it to the bus stop, though. So that was okay.

Band wasn't horrible, nor was computer tech... they were pretty much the same... so yeah...

Spanish was okay, too, 'cause we had a substatute. She was rather bitchy, but she was cool to me.

English was... weird... so I was happy and whatever before lunch, and then I get to lunch and there's Bryant, Chase, Jack, Liam, Lucy, and Tim. Lucy had another "panic attack" and this time, I think it was real, because she was acting differently... and Bryant thought it was fake, and told her so... and I know that hurt her. I felt guilty, because I know she fakes those a lot, and I wasn't sure what to think. She just gets up and leaves, and then when Bryant and people had to go, I was kinda... out of it, so I went up by the english room and sat in the corner and listened to my iPod. I felt like being emo, dammit. So I was. People didn't really notice me, which made me happy and sad at the same time.

Gym just sucked. We had to run the mile, and I was sick last night, so I was feeling bad enough without that on top of it. After that was over, we had the choice between a few games, and toward the end of class this one boy was in the bathroom and he hit his head on the blow dryer and was bleeding all over. I felt so bad for him- he's probably going to have to get stiches. *sigh*

I've been depressed today... and it's been weird, 'cause I was really happy earlier this week... and now I'm back being numb... I feel like... like there's a part of me missing, and I don't have any idea what it is. I'm sick of not knowing. And I'm sick of my stomach being in knots whenever I think about how much I wish that I wasn't here... and I think that subconsiously, I'm trying to run myself into the ground... because I can't kill myself... I couldn't do that... so maybe I am trying to... but in a different way...? I don't know... and my friends try to tell me that they'll be there, and I think it's nice and all, but a lot of the people that say "forever"... well... aren't... and they say to just get over it and there are people out there worse off than I am, and I know that, but I can't help it that I feel... like this... and I shouldn't have to think that. I should be making the best of this... but I can't... and feeling like there's a piece missing isn't just something you can forget about... even though I wish I could. I'm seriously sick... like, physically and mentally... and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Regretfully,
Lauren.

Let Me Be Myself

I guess I'm getting really sick of everything.

My parents want me to "change the attitude" and it's like, I'm fifteen. I come with it. It's a package deal... and having shit constantly thrown at me doesn't really help, you know. It's not my fault that I'm having issues... with people... of course.

People suck.

So Bryant and I were talking last night and he was obviously flirting with me... and then I find out that he says he doesn't like me... which hurt more because he won't fricking tell me himself, and if he doesn't have the guts to do that, then I don't think he's worth my time.

It's amazing how many guys I go through... and no, I'm not saying I'm proud of it. Just within like two weeks, I went back out with two of my exes AND broke up with them... and it's so weird, because... well... *sigh*... Jared & I got back together and then split... and then... well... Matt was like in love with me... and I broke his heart into a thousand pieces once, and he still loved me... and we broke up again... and now he's going out with my friend Andrea. Don't get me wrong, I love her, and I think that they'll be cute together, but it's... weird, ya know?

And Bridget and Ricardo called it quits... which, in my opinion, is really good... both of them are awesome kids, but... just not a good couple... he was making me angry... God.

School... I'm worried about it... I just... don't freaking care... and it's not like I don't want to care... I just... don't. And I'm so sick of it. I want to have a good future, but with grades like this... I don't know where I'll end up.

I can't believe how much I've changed... I used to be so... innocent, I didn't swear, I didn't say shit like, 'Oh my God', etc... and I was just... a little girl that didn't know what the world was... and now I'm an older teenager who doesn't know what the world really wants from her... God, I don't even know who I am anymore.

*sigh*

Regretfully yours,

Lauren. ♥

P.S. I hate myself for this... but I don't hate Bryant for this... I can't hate him... what the hell is wrong with me? :[

The Weight of the World

I don't know.

I just don't know.

I mean, I feel so... alienated... so... loved, yet hated; so wanted, yet so unwanted... it's a fucking bad feeling, and I really wish that I could sever ties with everyone who "cares" so that it wouldn't be so damn hard to say goodbye... but I don't know if I'll be able to do that...

So... today wasn't great.

Neither was yesterday.

Or last weekend, for that matter. My parens and I fought, and I lost it... I ended up crying in my dark room for what seemed like days... it was bad. I actually ended up cutting again... shit. My parents don't know... but I'm in no hurry to tell them. After all, once there was blood on the carpet in front of the sink in the bathroom once, and it was not mine, and my mom's like, "Well, if you're gonna do that to yourself, at least keep it off the carpet." And so I really don't want to say anything to them... not that it would really matter if I did...

I have more to say... but I must do some homework so I don't get killed by my parents- or teachers. I will say it later, then.

Love,
Lauryn. ♥

Guiltitone

The title is from the word "guillitone". Just so you know.

So, I went to Heather's party last night, and it was awesome. Sean was there (my 18-year-old ex), but it wasn't weird at all. In fact, we ended up acting all couple-y again... like, his arm around me, holding hands, etc. We watched the ending of House of Wax, and then we watched part of Fear.com before we watched all of 28 Weeks Later... which I actually enjoyed, even though it was really really gory. In fact, in this one scene, this guy is killing his wife (she's got the virus, but she doesn't show any symptoms, she's just a carrier, but he kissed her and got the virus from that, so he goes insane), and he's, like, putting his thumbs in her eyes and I couldn't watch that, so I turned into him and he just held me and I was feeling fluffy, but then I was okay. After that, we decided to go to this gas station, so we all walked there and then Sean, Paige, and I walked back and got back, like, ages before everyone else did, and it was hilarious. So we sit down and we watched House, which totally reminds me of Jared, another ex. I mean, he, House, and I are like the same damn person... just on different levels. Anyway, so we're watching t.v. and Sean puts his hand on my leg (he knows that I've drawn the lines very clearly- NO SEX), and he was, like, gently rubbing it, and it felt so good, I'm not going to lie. It was amazing. I was really sad when he had to go... so all the guys had to leave, but the girls were sleeping over, and so they were all leaving, and then he kissed me. Yes, he kissed me. And I liked it. The only thing that was in the back of my head the whole time was Kassia... his girlfriend... :[ And now I feel kind of guilty about the whole thing... but I'm gonna talk to him about it, so we can figure this out.

So the girls are sleeping over, right? Well, Heather was freaking tired, so she went to bed really early, but Jade, Paige, Amanda, and I were up until 5 talking about all sorts of random shit. It was amazing. And this morning, we woke up at, like, 11:30... and we ate candy for breakfast. It was pretty sexy, if I do say so myself.

When I got home, though, things weren't as fabulous.

Mom and I fought, I broke down... it got ugly... *sigh*

But that's all for now... I'll keep y'all updated, though.

Love,
Lauryn.

Given Up

What if you knew someone who had truly given up on life?

What would you do?

Would you try to help them?

What if they didn't want help?

What about then?

Would you talk to them?

What if they were silent?

~*~

I guess I could go on about that for a while, but I think you get the picture. I mean, it's hard to keep up with everything... school, friends, extra-cirricular activities... it's all a big part of our lives, and we're not willing to give any of it up. I don't see why we would... we have it amazingly good over here in the U.S.A... but some people don't see that. They think that they have it worse than anybody else, and their life is so horrible that they must commit suicide or whatever in order to get out of it.

I, personally, think this is crap.

I know that my life sucks, but it's not as bad as it could possibly be, and I guess I can draw some comfort from that fact. I know that I know a lot of stuff that most kids my age aren't even exposed to, and I also know things that I think are useless... and I can't really do a thing about it. This is what makes me the angriest. When there's a "minor" with an opinion and all the "adults" dismiss it just because it is from someone "less experienced" than them. It disgusts me. Personally, I think that is very UN-adult-like behavior. Just because you have more "worldly experiences" than we do does not mean that we are blind to the world and everyone (& everything) that is in it! In fact, sometimes I find that my peers bring the situation an entirely new point of view, and it clears the mess (whatever it may be) up!
Sometimes a person feels so stuck they resort to silencing themselves. This is horrible... every voice that is silenced is another voice that could solve a problem... or cure a disease... every single person on this planet has extraoardinary potential, and I think it's very sad when they are not given the opportunity to work with their talents.


I guess you can say I'm a hypocrite...

...but this is why I'm writing to you.

I give up sometimes, and I know life is hard. Trust me, I really do. Don't ever think that I'm saying that this is easy, and please don't make the mistake of thinking that I'm trying to put myself on a pedestal for you all to look at my perfection. Trust me on this, I know that I am far from perfect. I've come to terms with that (mostly). I cry, I hurt, I'm afraid, I'm insecure, I know all of these feelings... and sometimes I wish that I could just die and get it over with so I can't feel the pain anymore.

But that's not the way out.

I don't know what you believe will happen after you die, and I'm not going to touch that subject... I just wanted to bring some thoughts to mind... food for thought. Good luck... and remember...

YOU ARE LOVED. VERY DEARLY. BY SOMEONE OUT THERE, OR SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU. I KNOW IT. PLEASE, NEVER GIVE UP. IT'S NOT WORTH IT. IT'LL GET BETTER THAN YOU KNOW. TRUST ME, I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN COUNTLESS TIMES... AND THAT'S TOTALLY WORTH IT.

Yours,
Lauryn. ♥

Life Sucks... and Then You Die

I hate everything, you know.

Okay, so maybe not everything, but enough to drive me fricking crazy. I swear to God, I'm going to end up in the Wacky Shack before I'm dead... which may come soon... haha.

Anyway, so there's this guy I like (Bryant), and I found out that he's kind of a liar... and he has a "girlfriend" apparently... and she's from New York. But something doesn't add up about the whole situation... and I'm determined to find out what it is. *sigh* I guess that I'll just have to write my way out of this one... again... I mean, I haven't written too much poetry recently... maybe that's for a reason, though.

God, I hate how much I over-analyze things.

And then I over-analyze my over-analyzing.

GOD.

So, today, I got to get out of school for pep band. We got to leave at noon and we got back at, like, 5:50-ish. It was epic. EP EAGLES WON! YEAH!

Today I'm very tired... it's been, like, go-go-go all freaking day! My God! And then tomorrow, during our Zero Hour, I have to make up an Enriched English test! >.<

Well, that's all for now, I guess.

Love,
Lauryn.