Sentimental pt. I

I have way too much on my mind.


First of all, I should adress the cutting issue... well, I have continued to. Last night, I went on another cutting spree, and this morning, I woke up with "NUMB" scratched into my stomach. The really creepy thing is that I have no memory of doing that... and it's just a little eerie that I wouldn't remember that.

Apparently, Bridget has a new crush... and it's a senior. Has she not learned anything from me? My senior escapade ended in a broken heart for me. It's not that hard to see that freshman-senior... just doesn't work. I want her to be careful... and I miss her a lot. It's so different... now that we never see each other... and I think that we're starting to drift away...

School is a bitch. Seriously... I mean, I just don't care anymore... and it's starting to show in my acedemics and in my social life... I'm so scared that it'll all fall apart... and that I'll lose everything and everyone that I hold close now... and I don't want that... I need my friends... so badly. Without them, I would not be here right now.

When I talk to my friends, some of them are like, "Oh, just think about it; there's always someone worse off than you are."
IT. DOESN'T. HELP.
When I do that, then I feel even guiltier because I know that I shouldn't feel like this, and it makes it all worse... and it's also like when people make fun of cutting and shit. It's really not okay, and it needs to stop. Right now. Or I swear to God I'm going to fucking snap.

I am so close to the edge...

so close.

My parents aren't helping at all... they're always making jokes, and they never fucking take me seriously unless I start physically being there... like I grabbed my mom by the front of the shirt, and my dad took my head and hit it against the wall... hard. I didn't cry, but it hurt a lot. No, I'm not going to say that I don't do anything, but my mom seems to enjoy provoking my reactions. And I can't just ignore it. It's not that fucking easy.

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

I wish I could believe this as much as I wanted to... but I've been dealing with all of this shit for about six fucking years, and I want it to stop... I hate this so much... but I can't do a fucking thing about it... nobody can...

I guess I'll continue this later...

~Lauren.

Gotta Be Somebody

I can't believe it's December already.

Time has gone by so fricking fast... it's insane how much has changed... even over one year... it's crazy how much shit my friends & I have gone through, and yet we've managed to stay strong and keep relying on each other. Breakups, makeups, parents... everything you could possibly imagine has been thrown at us... and yet we still manage to wake up the next day. I don't even know how we do it.

*sigh*

I don't know if I can take this anymore, ya know? I mean, I'm always being criticized by my parents- nothing I do is ever good enough, and then they always find something to nag me about... and it's starting to really get to me. For instance, my mother keeps telling me that my friends need me more than I need them and that I'm just a burden in their lives... and that I'm not wanted nor am I needed, and the really sad thing is that I think I actually believe her. :[ And then she has the guts to go on and talk about how "worried about me" she is. It's driving me fucking crazy! Some days I seriously would kill her if I wouldn't go to jail for it. I wish she would go off and die. I'm not really sure if I ever loved my parents... I guess I've simply tolerated them... but I can't tell... because now I'm not sure of anything... especially love... and I hate how I'm always so confused and I can't say anything that's 100% because I don't want to lie to someone...

It's got to stop.

Or I won't make it.

Because I may be strong, but I'm not strong enough to keep handling this like it's coming at me. & I realize that, and that makes me stronger... but I have my weaknesses, too... like cutting.

Yesterday I cut.

I used a paperclip.

It still stings.

But I can't stop... it's like I'm sick or something.

I'll talk more later... when I have more to say.

Lauren.

*sigh*

Okay, so today was... weird. To say the least.

This morning, I got up at like 6:50-something, and my bus comes at like 7:30, so I was a little rushed. I made it to the bus stop, though. So that was okay.

Band wasn't horrible, nor was computer tech... they were pretty much the same... so yeah...

Spanish was okay, too, 'cause we had a substatute. She was rather bitchy, but she was cool to me.

English was... weird... so I was happy and whatever before lunch, and then I get to lunch and there's Bryant, Chase, Jack, Liam, Lucy, and Tim. Lucy had another "panic attack" and this time, I think it was real, because she was acting differently... and Bryant thought it was fake, and told her so... and I know that hurt her. I felt guilty, because I know she fakes those a lot, and I wasn't sure what to think. She just gets up and leaves, and then when Bryant and people had to go, I was kinda... out of it, so I went up by the english room and sat in the corner and listened to my iPod. I felt like being emo, dammit. So I was. People didn't really notice me, which made me happy and sad at the same time.

Gym just sucked. We had to run the mile, and I was sick last night, so I was feeling bad enough without that on top of it. After that was over, we had the choice between a few games, and toward the end of class this one boy was in the bathroom and he hit his head on the blow dryer and was bleeding all over. I felt so bad for him- he's probably going to have to get stiches. *sigh*

I've been depressed today... and it's been weird, 'cause I was really happy earlier this week... and now I'm back being numb... I feel like... like there's a part of me missing, and I don't have any idea what it is. I'm sick of not knowing. And I'm sick of my stomach being in knots whenever I think about how much I wish that I wasn't here... and I think that subconsiously, I'm trying to run myself into the ground... because I can't kill myself... I couldn't do that... so maybe I am trying to... but in a different way...? I don't know... and my friends try to tell me that they'll be there, and I think it's nice and all, but a lot of the people that say "forever"... well... aren't... and they say to just get over it and there are people out there worse off than I am, and I know that, but I can't help it that I feel... like this... and I shouldn't have to think that. I should be making the best of this... but I can't... and feeling like there's a piece missing isn't just something you can forget about... even though I wish I could. I'm seriously sick... like, physically and mentally... and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Regretfully,
Lauren.

Think I'm Going Crazy

Well.

These past few days have been awesome... and sucked ass at the same time.

Wednesday: School was eh. Same ol', same ol'. When I got home, though... well, yeah. So Jared & I got back together, and it made me happy, but church was blah. It was a really busy week for everyone, apparently, so only a few leaders actually showed up. Katie and Piper, my 5th grade co-leaders, weren't there, so I was leading all by myself... which wasn't horrible, but I was like, this is so awkward... and then my 1st grade leader wasn't there, either, so I was like woah... this is REALLY awkward... those poor kids. Haha.

Thursday: School wasn't too epic... though Ryan & I did finish our Shakespeare sonnet project (a video, and the class got only 2 days to work on it), which was good. We had about 6 extra minutes after we had finished, and we were like Yeah! We finished AND with time to spare! It was funny. When I got home, I asked my mom if I could go to one of my friend's party (Annika), and she said no right away, which I thought wasn't fair, and so we argued a bit and then I ended up simply walking out the door. I had my iPod, so I knew that I wasn't going to be back for a while. In fact, I didn't think that I wanted to come back at all... so I ended up walking around the neighborhood (like, far away from the house) for two hours. It was cold & rainy, but it felt so damn good. I was walking along the road most of the time, and part of me kinda wished that a car would hit me so I'd die and be out of this life for good. No such luck (well duh, otherwise I wouldn't be writing now), but then I just turned around and walked home... and when I got home, I found out that my parents had called Bridget and Laura to see if they knew where I was. They didn't, of course, but Laura wasn't home, and Bridget was freaking out... I knew that was going to happen if they told her... I love her, but I knew that I'd given her a heart attack, and so I ended up calling her... she yelled at me... but I think that was just of her. She was really worried... not that I understand why... I'm not really that important... but after dinner, my dad & I went to go get a gift for Kerry (she was having a sleepover to celebrate her birthday, and I was going). I was actually suprised I was allowed to go, too. But I did, and it was so much fun! I'm so glad that Kerry invited me. :]

Friday: So at the party we all stayed up until like four, and it was pretty epic. We were all like high (not on drugs, though) and Lucy & Annika played "Strip Twister" while the rest of us almost died from laughing at the absurdity of them stripping right before our eyes. No bras or underwear came off, though, thank God. Anyway, so it was just Kerry, Marcie, Kelly, and I, and we all were getting driven home by Kerry's mom, so we ended up watching Sailor Moon. It was so funny to comment on it... 'cause now that we're older, we get some of the (maybe un-intended) sexual innuendos, and once you start those jokes, they just keep on going. So when I got home, I tried asking again if I could go to Annika's, and again the answer was no... so I ended up staying home with my parents... fun, fun, fun. I talked to Jared most of the time, and it wasn't too bad... but I feel guilty about Bryant being there... I told him I would be there, and then I didn't go. (But from what I hear, he didn't seem too disappointed...)

Today: My parents & I have been fighting since I got up this morning... and it's sucked. Bridget & I went to the mall, and it was so good to see her again. I really miss her... it's been hard to not see her every day... but I guess I've been getting along... but life keeps throwing shit at me, and I'm only hopeful that I'll be able to survive it...

Peace. Love. Music.

♥ Lauryn.

The Weight of the World

I don't know.

I just don't know.

I mean, I feel so... alienated... so... loved, yet hated; so wanted, yet so unwanted... it's a fucking bad feeling, and I really wish that I could sever ties with everyone who "cares" so that it wouldn't be so damn hard to say goodbye... but I don't know if I'll be able to do that...

So... today wasn't great.

Neither was yesterday.

Or last weekend, for that matter. My parens and I fought, and I lost it... I ended up crying in my dark room for what seemed like days... it was bad. I actually ended up cutting again... shit. My parents don't know... but I'm in no hurry to tell them. After all, once there was blood on the carpet in front of the sink in the bathroom once, and it was not mine, and my mom's like, "Well, if you're gonna do that to yourself, at least keep it off the carpet." And so I really don't want to say anything to them... not that it would really matter if I did...

I have more to say... but I must do some homework so I don't get killed by my parents- or teachers. I will say it later, then.

Love,
Lauryn. ♥