Think I'm Going Crazy

Well.

These past few days have been awesome... and sucked ass at the same time.

Wednesday: School was eh. Same ol', same ol'. When I got home, though... well, yeah. So Jared & I got back together, and it made me happy, but church was blah. It was a really busy week for everyone, apparently, so only a few leaders actually showed up. Katie and Piper, my 5th grade co-leaders, weren't there, so I was leading all by myself... which wasn't horrible, but I was like, this is so awkward... and then my 1st grade leader wasn't there, either, so I was like woah... this is REALLY awkward... those poor kids. Haha.

Thursday: School wasn't too epic... though Ryan & I did finish our Shakespeare sonnet project (a video, and the class got only 2 days to work on it), which was good. We had about 6 extra minutes after we had finished, and we were like Yeah! We finished AND with time to spare! It was funny. When I got home, I asked my mom if I could go to one of my friend's party (Annika), and she said no right away, which I thought wasn't fair, and so we argued a bit and then I ended up simply walking out the door. I had my iPod, so I knew that I wasn't going to be back for a while. In fact, I didn't think that I wanted to come back at all... so I ended up walking around the neighborhood (like, far away from the house) for two hours. It was cold & rainy, but it felt so damn good. I was walking along the road most of the time, and part of me kinda wished that a car would hit me so I'd die and be out of this life for good. No such luck (well duh, otherwise I wouldn't be writing now), but then I just turned around and walked home... and when I got home, I found out that my parents had called Bridget and Laura to see if they knew where I was. They didn't, of course, but Laura wasn't home, and Bridget was freaking out... I knew that was going to happen if they told her... I love her, but I knew that I'd given her a heart attack, and so I ended up calling her... she yelled at me... but I think that was just of her. She was really worried... not that I understand why... I'm not really that important... but after dinner, my dad & I went to go get a gift for Kerry (she was having a sleepover to celebrate her birthday, and I was going). I was actually suprised I was allowed to go, too. But I did, and it was so much fun! I'm so glad that Kerry invited me. :]

Friday: So at the party we all stayed up until like four, and it was pretty epic. We were all like high (not on drugs, though) and Lucy & Annika played "Strip Twister" while the rest of us almost died from laughing at the absurdity of them stripping right before our eyes. No bras or underwear came off, though, thank God. Anyway, so it was just Kerry, Marcie, Kelly, and I, and we all were getting driven home by Kerry's mom, so we ended up watching Sailor Moon. It was so funny to comment on it... 'cause now that we're older, we get some of the (maybe un-intended) sexual innuendos, and once you start those jokes, they just keep on going. So when I got home, I tried asking again if I could go to Annika's, and again the answer was no... so I ended up staying home with my parents... fun, fun, fun. I talked to Jared most of the time, and it wasn't too bad... but I feel guilty about Bryant being there... I told him I would be there, and then I didn't go. (But from what I hear, he didn't seem too disappointed...)

Today: My parents & I have been fighting since I got up this morning... and it's sucked. Bridget & I went to the mall, and it was so good to see her again. I really miss her... it's been hard to not see her every day... but I guess I've been getting along... but life keeps throwing shit at me, and I'm only hopeful that I'll be able to survive it...

Peace. Love. Music.

♥ Lauryn.

Guiltitone

The title is from the word "guillitone". Just so you know.

So, I went to Heather's party last night, and it was awesome. Sean was there (my 18-year-old ex), but it wasn't weird at all. In fact, we ended up acting all couple-y again... like, his arm around me, holding hands, etc. We watched the ending of House of Wax, and then we watched part of Fear.com before we watched all of 28 Weeks Later... which I actually enjoyed, even though it was really really gory. In fact, in this one scene, this guy is killing his wife (she's got the virus, but she doesn't show any symptoms, she's just a carrier, but he kissed her and got the virus from that, so he goes insane), and he's, like, putting his thumbs in her eyes and I couldn't watch that, so I turned into him and he just held me and I was feeling fluffy, but then I was okay. After that, we decided to go to this gas station, so we all walked there and then Sean, Paige, and I walked back and got back, like, ages before everyone else did, and it was hilarious. So we sit down and we watched House, which totally reminds me of Jared, another ex. I mean, he, House, and I are like the same damn person... just on different levels. Anyway, so we're watching t.v. and Sean puts his hand on my leg (he knows that I've drawn the lines very clearly- NO SEX), and he was, like, gently rubbing it, and it felt so good, I'm not going to lie. It was amazing. I was really sad when he had to go... so all the guys had to leave, but the girls were sleeping over, and so they were all leaving, and then he kissed me. Yes, he kissed me. And I liked it. The only thing that was in the back of my head the whole time was Kassia... his girlfriend... :[ And now I feel kind of guilty about the whole thing... but I'm gonna talk to him about it, so we can figure this out.

So the girls are sleeping over, right? Well, Heather was freaking tired, so she went to bed really early, but Jade, Paige, Amanda, and I were up until 5 talking about all sorts of random shit. It was amazing. And this morning, we woke up at, like, 11:30... and we ate candy for breakfast. It was pretty sexy, if I do say so myself.

When I got home, though, things weren't as fabulous.

Mom and I fought, I broke down... it got ugly... *sigh*

But that's all for now... I'll keep y'all updated, though.

Love,
Lauryn.

Given Up

What if you knew someone who had truly given up on life?

What would you do?

Would you try to help them?

What if they didn't want help?

What about then?

Would you talk to them?

What if they were silent?

~*~

I guess I could go on about that for a while, but I think you get the picture. I mean, it's hard to keep up with everything... school, friends, extra-cirricular activities... it's all a big part of our lives, and we're not willing to give any of it up. I don't see why we would... we have it amazingly good over here in the U.S.A... but some people don't see that. They think that they have it worse than anybody else, and their life is so horrible that they must commit suicide or whatever in order to get out of it.

I, personally, think this is crap.

I know that my life sucks, but it's not as bad as it could possibly be, and I guess I can draw some comfort from that fact. I know that I know a lot of stuff that most kids my age aren't even exposed to, and I also know things that I think are useless... and I can't really do a thing about it. This is what makes me the angriest. When there's a "minor" with an opinion and all the "adults" dismiss it just because it is from someone "less experienced" than them. It disgusts me. Personally, I think that is very UN-adult-like behavior. Just because you have more "worldly experiences" than we do does not mean that we are blind to the world and everyone (& everything) that is in it! In fact, sometimes I find that my peers bring the situation an entirely new point of view, and it clears the mess (whatever it may be) up!
Sometimes a person feels so stuck they resort to silencing themselves. This is horrible... every voice that is silenced is another voice that could solve a problem... or cure a disease... every single person on this planet has extraoardinary potential, and I think it's very sad when they are not given the opportunity to work with their talents.


I guess you can say I'm a hypocrite...

...but this is why I'm writing to you.

I give up sometimes, and I know life is hard. Trust me, I really do. Don't ever think that I'm saying that this is easy, and please don't make the mistake of thinking that I'm trying to put myself on a pedestal for you all to look at my perfection. Trust me on this, I know that I am far from perfect. I've come to terms with that (mostly). I cry, I hurt, I'm afraid, I'm insecure, I know all of these feelings... and sometimes I wish that I could just die and get it over with so I can't feel the pain anymore.

But that's not the way out.

I don't know what you believe will happen after you die, and I'm not going to touch that subject... I just wanted to bring some thoughts to mind... food for thought. Good luck... and remember...

YOU ARE LOVED. VERY DEARLY. BY SOMEONE OUT THERE, OR SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU. I KNOW IT. PLEASE, NEVER GIVE UP. IT'S NOT WORTH IT. IT'LL GET BETTER THAN YOU KNOW. TRUST ME, I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN COUNTLESS TIMES... AND THAT'S TOTALLY WORTH IT.

Yours,
Lauryn. ♥