I guess I'm getting really sick of everything.
My parents want me to "change the attitude" and it's like, I'm fifteen. I come with it. It's a package deal... and having shit constantly thrown at me doesn't really help, you know. It's not my fault that I'm having issues... with people... of course.
People suck.
So Bryant and I were talking last night and he was obviously flirting with me... and then I find out that he says he doesn't like me... which hurt more because he won't fricking tell me himself, and if he doesn't have the guts to do that, then I don't think he's worth my time.
It's amazing how many guys I go through... and no, I'm not saying I'm proud of it. Just within like two weeks, I went back out with two of my exes AND broke up with them... and it's so weird, because... well... *sigh*... Jared & I got back together and then split... and then... well... Matt was like in love with me... and I broke his heart into a thousand pieces once, and he still loved me... and we broke up again... and now he's going out with my friend Andrea. Don't get me wrong, I love her, and I think that they'll be cute together, but it's... weird, ya know?
And Bridget and Ricardo called it quits... which, in my opinion, is really good... both of them are awesome kids, but... just not a good couple... he was making me angry... God.
School... I'm worried about it... I just... don't freaking care... and it's not like I don't want to care... I just... don't. And I'm so sick of it. I want to have a good future, but with grades like this... I don't know where I'll end up.
I can't believe how much I've changed... I used to be so... innocent, I didn't swear, I didn't say shit like, 'Oh my God', etc... and I was just... a little girl that didn't know what the world was... and now I'm an older teenager who doesn't know what the world really wants from her... God, I don't even know who I am anymore.
*sigh*
Regretfully yours,
Lauren. ♥
P.S. I hate myself for this... but I don't hate Bryant for this... I can't hate him... what the hell is wrong with me? :[
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Think I'm Going Crazy
Well.
These past few days have been awesome... and sucked ass at the same time.
Wednesday: School was eh. Same ol', same ol'. When I got home, though... well, yeah. So Jared & I got back together, and it made me happy, but church was blah. It was a really busy week for everyone, apparently, so only a few leaders actually showed up. Katie and Piper, my 5th grade co-leaders, weren't there, so I was leading all by myself... which wasn't horrible, but I was like, this is so awkward... and then my 1st grade leader wasn't there, either, so I was like woah... this is REALLY awkward... those poor kids. Haha.
Thursday: School wasn't too epic... though Ryan & I did finish our Shakespeare sonnet project (a video, and the class got only 2 days to work on it), which was good. We had about 6 extra minutes after we had finished, and we were like Yeah! We finished AND with time to spare! It was funny. When I got home, I asked my mom if I could go to one of my friend's party (Annika), and she said no right away, which I thought wasn't fair, and so we argued a bit and then I ended up simply walking out the door. I had my iPod, so I knew that I wasn't going to be back for a while. In fact, I didn't think that I wanted to come back at all... so I ended up walking around the neighborhood (like, far away from the house) for two hours. It was cold & rainy, but it felt so damn good. I was walking along the road most of the time, and part of me kinda wished that a car would hit me so I'd die and be out of this life for good. No such luck (well duh, otherwise I wouldn't be writing now), but then I just turned around and walked home... and when I got home, I found out that my parents had called Bridget and Laura to see if they knew where I was. They didn't, of course, but Laura wasn't home, and Bridget was freaking out... I knew that was going to happen if they told her... I love her, but I knew that I'd given her a heart attack, and so I ended up calling her... she yelled at me... but I think that was just of her. She was really worried... not that I understand why... I'm not really that important... but after dinner, my dad & I went to go get a gift for Kerry (she was having a sleepover to celebrate her birthday, and I was going). I was actually suprised I was allowed to go, too. But I did, and it was so much fun! I'm so glad that Kerry invited me. :]
Friday: So at the party we all stayed up until like four, and it was pretty epic. We were all like high (not on drugs, though) and Lucy & Annika played "Strip Twister" while the rest of us almost died from laughing at the absurdity of them stripping right before our eyes. No bras or underwear came off, though, thank God. Anyway, so it was just Kerry, Marcie, Kelly, and I, and we all were getting driven home by Kerry's mom, so we ended up watching Sailor Moon. It was so funny to comment on it... 'cause now that we're older, we get some of the (maybe un-intended) sexual innuendos, and once you start those jokes, they just keep on going. So when I got home, I tried asking again if I could go to Annika's, and again the answer was no... so I ended up staying home with my parents... fun, fun, fun. I talked to Jared most of the time, and it wasn't too bad... but I feel guilty about Bryant being there... I told him I would be there, and then I didn't go. (But from what I hear, he didn't seem too disappointed...)
Today: My parents & I have been fighting since I got up this morning... and it's sucked. Bridget & I went to the mall, and it was so good to see her again. I really miss her... it's been hard to not see her every day... but I guess I've been getting along... but life keeps throwing shit at me, and I'm only hopeful that I'll be able to survive it...
Peace. Love. Music.
♥ Lauryn.
These past few days have been awesome... and sucked ass at the same time.
Wednesday: School was eh. Same ol', same ol'. When I got home, though... well, yeah. So Jared & I got back together, and it made me happy, but church was blah. It was a really busy week for everyone, apparently, so only a few leaders actually showed up. Katie and Piper, my 5th grade co-leaders, weren't there, so I was leading all by myself... which wasn't horrible, but I was like, this is so awkward... and then my 1st grade leader wasn't there, either, so I was like woah... this is REALLY awkward... those poor kids. Haha.
Thursday: School wasn't too epic... though Ryan & I did finish our Shakespeare sonnet project (a video, and the class got only 2 days to work on it), which was good. We had about 6 extra minutes after we had finished, and we were like Yeah! We finished AND with time to spare! It was funny. When I got home, I asked my mom if I could go to one of my friend's party (Annika), and she said no right away, which I thought wasn't fair, and so we argued a bit and then I ended up simply walking out the door. I had my iPod, so I knew that I wasn't going to be back for a while. In fact, I didn't think that I wanted to come back at all... so I ended up walking around the neighborhood (like, far away from the house) for two hours. It was cold & rainy, but it felt so damn good. I was walking along the road most of the time, and part of me kinda wished that a car would hit me so I'd die and be out of this life for good. No such luck (well duh, otherwise I wouldn't be writing now), but then I just turned around and walked home... and when I got home, I found out that my parents had called Bridget and Laura to see if they knew where I was. They didn't, of course, but Laura wasn't home, and Bridget was freaking out... I knew that was going to happen if they told her... I love her, but I knew that I'd given her a heart attack, and so I ended up calling her... she yelled at me... but I think that was just of her. She was really worried... not that I understand why... I'm not really that important... but after dinner, my dad & I went to go get a gift for Kerry (she was having a sleepover to celebrate her birthday, and I was going). I was actually suprised I was allowed to go, too. But I did, and it was so much fun! I'm so glad that Kerry invited me. :]
Friday: So at the party we all stayed up until like four, and it was pretty epic. We were all like high (not on drugs, though) and Lucy & Annika played "Strip Twister" while the rest of us almost died from laughing at the absurdity of them stripping right before our eyes. No bras or underwear came off, though, thank God. Anyway, so it was just Kerry, Marcie, Kelly, and I, and we all were getting driven home by Kerry's mom, so we ended up watching Sailor Moon. It was so funny to comment on it... 'cause now that we're older, we get some of the (maybe un-intended) sexual innuendos, and once you start those jokes, they just keep on going. So when I got home, I tried asking again if I could go to Annika's, and again the answer was no... so I ended up staying home with my parents... fun, fun, fun. I talked to Jared most of the time, and it wasn't too bad... but I feel guilty about Bryant being there... I told him I would be there, and then I didn't go. (But from what I hear, he didn't seem too disappointed...)
Today: My parents & I have been fighting since I got up this morning... and it's sucked. Bridget & I went to the mall, and it was so good to see her again. I really miss her... it's been hard to not see her every day... but I guess I've been getting along... but life keeps throwing shit at me, and I'm only hopeful that I'll be able to survive it...
Peace. Love. Music.
♥ Lauryn.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The Weight of the World
I don't know.
I just don't know.
I mean, I feel so... alienated... so... loved, yet hated; so wanted, yet so unwanted... it's a fucking bad feeling, and I really wish that I could sever ties with everyone who "cares" so that it wouldn't be so damn hard to say goodbye... but I don't know if I'll be able to do that...
So... today wasn't great.
Neither was yesterday.
Or last weekend, for that matter. My parens and I fought, and I lost it... I ended up crying in my dark room for what seemed like days... it was bad. I actually ended up cutting again... shit. My parents don't know... but I'm in no hurry to tell them. After all, once there was blood on the carpet in front of the sink in the bathroom once, and it was not mine, and my mom's like, "Well, if you're gonna do that to yourself, at least keep it off the carpet." And so I really don't want to say anything to them... not that it would really matter if I did...
I have more to say... but I must do some homework so I don't get killed by my parents- or teachers. I will say it later, then.
Love,
Lauryn. ♥
I just don't know.
I mean, I feel so... alienated... so... loved, yet hated; so wanted, yet so unwanted... it's a fucking bad feeling, and I really wish that I could sever ties with everyone who "cares" so that it wouldn't be so damn hard to say goodbye... but I don't know if I'll be able to do that...
So... today wasn't great.
Neither was yesterday.
Or last weekend, for that matter. My parens and I fought, and I lost it... I ended up crying in my dark room for what seemed like days... it was bad. I actually ended up cutting again... shit. My parents don't know... but I'm in no hurry to tell them. After all, once there was blood on the carpet in front of the sink in the bathroom once, and it was not mine, and my mom's like, "Well, if you're gonna do that to yourself, at least keep it off the carpet." And so I really don't want to say anything to them... not that it would really matter if I did...
I have more to say... but I must do some homework so I don't get killed by my parents- or teachers. I will say it later, then.
Love,
Lauryn. ♥
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Guiltitone
The title is from the word "guillitone". Just so you know.
So, I went to Heather's party last night, and it was awesome. Sean was there (my 18-year-old ex), but it wasn't weird at all. In fact, we ended up acting all couple-y again... like, his arm around me, holding hands, etc. We watched the ending of House of Wax, and then we watched part of Fear.com before we watched all of 28 Weeks Later... which I actually enjoyed, even though it was really really gory. In fact, in this one scene, this guy is killing his wife (she's got the virus, but she doesn't show any symptoms, she's just a carrier, but he kissed her and got the virus from that, so he goes insane), and he's, like, putting his thumbs in her eyes and I couldn't watch that, so I turned into him and he just held me and I was feeling fluffy, but then I was okay. After that, we decided to go to this gas station, so we all walked there and then Sean, Paige, and I walked back and got back, like, ages before everyone else did, and it was hilarious. So we sit down and we watched House, which totally reminds me of Jared, another ex. I mean, he, House, and I are like the same damn person... just on different levels. Anyway, so we're watching t.v. and Sean puts his hand on my leg (he knows that I've drawn the lines very clearly- NO SEX), and he was, like, gently rubbing it, and it felt so good, I'm not going to lie. It was amazing. I was really sad when he had to go... so all the guys had to leave, but the girls were sleeping over, and so they were all leaving, and then he kissed me. Yes, he kissed me. And I liked it. The only thing that was in the back of my head the whole time was Kassia... his girlfriend... :[ And now I feel kind of guilty about the whole thing... but I'm gonna talk to him about it, so we can figure this out.
So the girls are sleeping over, right? Well, Heather was freaking tired, so she went to bed really early, but Jade, Paige, Amanda, and I were up until 5 talking about all sorts of random shit. It was amazing. And this morning, we woke up at, like, 11:30... and we ate candy for breakfast. It was pretty sexy, if I do say so myself.
When I got home, though, things weren't as fabulous.
Mom and I fought, I broke down... it got ugly... *sigh*
But that's all for now... I'll keep y'all updated, though.
Love,
Lauryn.
So, I went to Heather's party last night, and it was awesome. Sean was there (my 18-year-old ex), but it wasn't weird at all. In fact, we ended up acting all couple-y again... like, his arm around me, holding hands, etc. We watched the ending of House of Wax, and then we watched part of Fear.com before we watched all of 28 Weeks Later... which I actually enjoyed, even though it was really really gory. In fact, in this one scene, this guy is killing his wife (she's got the virus, but she doesn't show any symptoms, she's just a carrier, but he kissed her and got the virus from that, so he goes insane), and he's, like, putting his thumbs in her eyes and I couldn't watch that, so I turned into him and he just held me and I was feeling fluffy, but then I was okay. After that, we decided to go to this gas station, so we all walked there and then Sean, Paige, and I walked back and got back, like, ages before everyone else did, and it was hilarious. So we sit down and we watched House, which totally reminds me of Jared, another ex. I mean, he, House, and I are like the same damn person... just on different levels. Anyway, so we're watching t.v. and Sean puts his hand on my leg (he knows that I've drawn the lines very clearly- NO SEX), and he was, like, gently rubbing it, and it felt so good, I'm not going to lie. It was amazing. I was really sad when he had to go... so all the guys had to leave, but the girls were sleeping over, and so they were all leaving, and then he kissed me. Yes, he kissed me. And I liked it. The only thing that was in the back of my head the whole time was Kassia... his girlfriend... :[ And now I feel kind of guilty about the whole thing... but I'm gonna talk to him about it, so we can figure this out.
So the girls are sleeping over, right? Well, Heather was freaking tired, so she went to bed really early, but Jade, Paige, Amanda, and I were up until 5 talking about all sorts of random shit. It was amazing. And this morning, we woke up at, like, 11:30... and we ate candy for breakfast. It was pretty sexy, if I do say so myself.
When I got home, though, things weren't as fabulous.
Mom and I fought, I broke down... it got ugly... *sigh*
But that's all for now... I'll keep y'all updated, though.
Love,
Lauryn.
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